The Greatest Love Of All

"In family life, love is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds closer together, and the music that brings harmony."...Eva Burrows

Happy Valentine's Day, to my family, the best in the world.  I love you all soooo much!!  You're my greatest love of all!

I love Valentine's Day.  It's that special day where we can express to our loved ones how much they mean to us.  Yes, it's true that we shouldn't wait until one day rolls around to do this.  Love is definitely the most powerful of positive emotions and that power should be put to use every day of the year.  I believe in that.  But, that doesn't mean I'm not sentimental at heart and I do indeed love making an "extra special" day once in a while!

Our money is a little tight this Valentine's Day (I know, join the club!), so I didn't go crazy spending too much.  For my regular readers, you all know that I often talk about the best things in life being free anyway.  And simple, thoughtful gifts are the ones I most often gravitate towards.  I'll let you in on a secret...my family, myself included are each getting a much needed new pillow on their bed today, wrapped in a single red bow with a card enclosed.  I think they'll all be pleased!

For the past several years (arrival of kids), I have always told my husband to forget the flowers and candy and instead, we'll use that money to either all go out for dinner, or bring dinner home and we'll all watch a movie together.  The best Valentine's gift for me is an evening of not having to cook!  And of course I definitely do not need the chocolates if I want to keep my diet (New Year's Resolution) on track.  I'm having enough trouble as it is!

The above reminds me of a very funny recent episode of Family Feud.  During "fast money", the question was "Name an occasion where you might be tempted to cheat on your diet?"  We were all shouting out our answers "Valentine's Day", "Christmas" etc.  and the poor guy couldn't come up with an answer and time was wasting..he finally said "errrr.. when you want to eat something!"  Now, that's my kind of occasion!   We could not stop laughing at that answer!  As I say, it's the best medicine ever!

While it's true that I'm now more into "family Valentine's day" over the more romantic type, that doesn't mean I don't think about my special times with my husband from years ago.  I miss them too.  My husband every year, without fail, would send beautiful roses to my office.  Here's a picture:

Ahhhh what a sweetheart!

I hope whatever all of you have planned for this evening, whether it be with your spouse, your partner, your children or anyone else who's special to you, make a memory that you will cherish throughout your life.  Write it down in your journal how special the day was for you.  You will one day look back on the memories you make today, and they will warm your heart in your future.

My video for today is the song "Greatest Love of All", my favourite by the late (so tragic) Whitney Houston.  She sang this at the Grammy's 25 years ago.  She was a very special part of my history and I feel like a part of my life has died with her.  Her music was beautiful as well as inspirational.  Whitney, your music will live on in our hearts forever.  God bless you and rest in peace.

The lyrics of this song are so touching.  I just love it so much.

Have a wonderful Valentine's Day everyone!!

Linda

Keep Your Year On Track

"Never to wrong others takes one a long way towards peace of mind."..Seneca

I cannot believe it is February already.  Our groundhog last week predicted an early spring.  Hurray for that!  I do know however that is not the case for everyone around the world.  But I think we can all say at least we're over the winter "hump".

So, how's your year going so far?  If you're like me, you too have been faced with some unexpected hurdles.  Are your goals, or resolutions for the year staying on track?  I hope all of you are doing great, but it is good from time to time to review how things are going and have a look at how you can make the rest of your year even better.

I'd like to share four valuable questions that you can ask yourself all the time to keep yourself on track towards a better life.  Perhaps they are new to you or maybe they are just healthy reminders that can help you to focus your mind and actions once again.

Q.1  How can I give value to this situation?

This is a great way to improve your relationships and interactions.  Four awesome reasons to give value in your everyday life are: 1) it makes you feel awesome, 2) you tend to get what you give, 3) it makes your life a whole lot more fun and 4) it makes it easier to start new relationships or improve old ones.
What value can you give in a situation to another person?  Well, a bunch of suggestions would be:  bringing a positive attitude to situations, being kind, helping out in a practical way, lending a listening ear, cheering someone up, offering useful advice or creating a fun/exciting situation for people in your life.

Q.2 - Would I rather be right or be happy?

Right in this question means the need to judge, the need to be right while interacting with other people.  It's not just about the gal who can't be wrong in a discussion though.
It's about the thought that you don't always have to be against people or things.  You don't have to exist in a "me against the world" or "me against someone" head space.  You don't have to defend positions all the time or build walls.  You can let go of the mentality that says "someday I'll show them all!".  You can just relax, be cool and be with people instead of being against them in some subtle or not so subtle ways.
Feeling like you are right can bring some pleasure.  But beyond that there is a lot more connection, happiness and positivity to be found.  I like this question when I feel like I have to be right or judge.  Or when I just have a feeling within that I should just re-examine my current beliefs to move forward.  I often find something helpful by doing so.

Q.3 - What is the most important thing I can do right now?

If you are lost in what to do next in your day, week or life, ask yourself this question.  The answer may not always be what you want to hear because the most important thing is often one of the harder things you want to do too.  But it can help you to check your priorities and stop you from getting lost in busy work and instead start tackling the really big stuff that will improve your life in any area in the long run.

Q.4 - What do I think is the right thing to do?
 
One of the hardest things to do in life is the right thing.  What "you" think is the right thing, not what your friends, family, teachers, boss, and society think is the right thing.
What is the right thing?  That's up to you to decide.  Often you have a little voice inside your head that tells you what the right thing is, or a gut feeling.
Here are three reasons to do the right thing:
1)  You tend to get what you give.  I already mentioned this as a reason to give value.  By doing the right thing, you tend to get the same things back.  Give value to people, help them and they will often want to help you and give you value in some form.  Unfortunately, not everyone will do it, but many will, not always right away, but somewhere down the line.  Things tend to even out.  Do the right thing, put in the extra effort, and you tend to get good stuff back.  Don't do it, and you tend to get less good stuff back from the world.
2)  To raise your self esteem.  This is a really important point.  When you don't do the right thing, you are not only sending out signals out into your world, you are also sending signals to yourself.  When you don't do the right thing, you don't feel good about yourself.  You may experience emptiness or get stuck in negative thought loops.  It's like you are letting yourself down.  You are telling yourself that you can't handle doing the right thing.  To not do the right thing, it's like punching yourself in the stomach.
3)  To avoid self sabotage.  A powerful side effect of not doing the right thing is that you give yourself a lack of deservedness.  This can really mess you up and your success.  If you don't do the right thing in life, then you won't feel like you deserve the success that you may be on your way towards or experiencing right now.  So you start to self sabotage, perhaps deliberately or through unconscious thoughts.  By doing the right thing, you can raise your self esteem and feel like a person who deserves her success.

I hope these questions will help you continue to make this year your best one yet.

My video today is the theme from "Friends".  The words mean a lot and can be applied not just to your friends, but extend to family, colleagues and people in your community.

Have a great week everyone!
Cheers!
Linda

How Resilient Are You?

"What is to give light must endure burning."...Victor Frankl

Unfortunately, bad things happen to all of us.  When they do, many of us crumble or grumble, but others quickly bounce right back to face the world again, often even stronger than before.  Have you ever wondered what makes the difference?

Everyone needs resilience, because one thing is certain, life includes adversities.  But if you increase your resilience, you can overcome most of what life puts in your way.  Can you boost your resilience?  Absolutely.  It's all about the way you think about adversity.

I'm currently reading "The Resiliency Factor" by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte.  Karen Reivich recounted that when she first began to study the topic of resilience she was convinced that people were either born resilient or not.  However as she and her co-researchers became more involved in the topic they realized that "resilient people had the ability to stay resilient."  From their research they identified a number of abilities that resilient people are strong in, and focused on seven abilities which she says are "learnable and changeable skills".  While all of them are important, Reivich argues that Optimism is the most important.  She sees it as a "motivator", it's what keeps people going with faith and hope.

Here are (briefly) the seven learnable skills of resilience:

1.  Emotion awareness and regulation:  this is primarily the ability to identify what you are feeling and the ability to control your feelings.

2.  Impulse control:  Highly resilient people are able to tolerate ambiguity so they don't rush to make decisions.  They sit back and look at things in a thoughtful way before acting.

3.  Optimism:  This means having an optimistic "explanatory style", however it is "realistic optimism" that is important, not pie in the sky optimism.  People who are blindly optimistic who, for example, stick their heads in the sand, do not have a brand of optimism which facilitates problem solving, in fact, it interferes with it.  So for optimism to help with resilience, it needs to be "wed to reality".

4.  Causal analysis:  This means the ability to think comprehensively to problems you confront.  Folks who score high in resilience are able to look at problems from many perspectives and consider many factors.

5.  Empathy:  People who score high on emotional awareness and understand their own emotions, tend to also score high on empathy - the ability to read and understand the emotions of others.  This is important for resilience for two reasons:  first, it helps build strong relationships with others and then this gives social support.

6.  Self-efficacy:  This is confidence in your ability to solve problems.  This is partly knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are and relying on your strengths to cope.  Reivich stresses that this is different from "self esteem".  In other words, this is not just about feeling good about yourself, it is what she calls a "skills based mastery based notion of coping."

7.  Reaching out:  By this, Reivich means being prepared to take appropriate risk.  People who score high on resilience are willing to try things and believe that failing is a part of life.

Reivich stresses that this is not an exhaustive list, and that you don't need to score high on each of those seven to be given the "stamp of resilience".  Indeed she argues that to increase resiliency, people simply need to consider which of the factors on this list they are strong on and play to these strengths as much as they can.

She also argues that the importance of empathy on this list is at odds with what people often think about resilient individuals.  Reivich argues "contrary to some of the myths around resilience, resilient people don't go it alone, when bad stuff happens, they reach out to people who care about them and they ask for help."  Empathy is vital as it "is the glue that keeps social relationships together."  I really took this section to heart.  I think it is important to know that in our relationships, will all have different strengths and weaknesses.  If we see someone in our life with difficult circumstances, just because they are not reaching out for help does not mean "everything must be okay."  That person may not have as well developed resilience (or natural resilience) as you do.  I believe relationships are built by reciprocating empathy as well as compassion to one another.

Some individuals are naturally inclined to such behaviours and attitudes.  Everything on this list can be increased by individuals if they put their minds to it and embark on the necessary training or change programs.

As far as "self-help" books go, this one so far has been the best one for me in developing resilience.  And in this time of my life, with my variety of challenges (and perhaps yours too), it's just the right one for me to teach these important skills. 

My video today is the new Maxwell house commercial featuring the cutest girl expressing positive affirmations.  It's too cute.  I always smile when I see this one!! Enjoy!

Have a great week, everyone!

Cheers,
Linda

With Only Myself I Compare

"Winners compare their achievements with their goals,  while losers compare their achievements with those of other people."...Nido Quebein 

I think that becoming a happier person is not so much about changing our external circumstances as it is about changing our thinking.  We can pile up tons of external positive stuff in our life but if our internals are messed up, then our life won't become that much better or happier.

Is it possible to make ourselves feel miserable when our thoughts are not in the right place?  Absolutely.  And one negative thought habit we should all reduce (or ditch altogether) is comparing everything we do to the lives and accomplishments of other people.

Take for example buying a new car.  You've earned a pay raise and have saved up for a few months, then shopped around until you found a car you are very satisfied with and that feels awesome for a while.  Then you are invited to your friend's home and you see she has also just bought a new car, one more expensive and luxurious than your own.  How would that make you feel?  Suddenly everyone around you seems to be driving a better car than you and you stop feeling good and proud of your own purchase.  This same example can be applied to so many other areas of our life:  our home, our income, our occupation, our investments, our bank balances, our debt, our vacation, what we wear, the list could go on forever.

If you took the strengths of others and compared them to your weaknesses, how do you think you'd measure up?  Sadly we do this all too often, and it sure doesn't make us feel good.  Even if we compare strength to strength, there will always be those with more and those with less.  Where you are in the ladder of accomplishments or purchases has nothing to do with what you want to do.  Even if you do well in comparison with others, you may be artificially inflated from this comparison.  It's a short lived boost of ego if you win the comparison, easily knocked down.  You may eventually end up resenting others for their accomplishments, without really knowing the true person.

I think a great New Year's Resolution (if it's not too late for those) we could all profit from is to stop trying to be someone we're not.  One of the greatest challenges in life is to just be yourself in a world that's trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, smarter, or younger but they will never be you.  Don't change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the "real" you.

So how can we break the very negative habit of comparing ourselves with others? A more useful way of thinking is to compare yourself to yourself.  Appreciate the progress you have made.  Take a closer look at the areas you aren't improving as much as you'd like and try to figure out why.  Then make a plan for how you can improve on those areas of your life.

Once you become more aware of this habit, you can try to stop and change the thought.  If comparative thoughts come into your mind, give yourself a pause.  Don't berate yourself or feel bad, just acknowledge the thought and gently change focus.  When we compare ourselves with someone we think is doing better than we do, sometimes we get discouraged.  Is it possible to become inspired instead?  Can you think of a time when you made the choice to be inspired?  At the opposite, when we compare ourselves with someone we think is doing worse that we do, do you sometimes feel encouraged by that?  Is it possible to think of charity instead?  The main value of looking at your friend's plate is to ensure she has enough to eat.  If she does, wish her well and go on focusing on your own goals and life.  If she doesn't, then share your food with her and it will enrich both of you.  Can you think of a time when you shared your good fortune with a friend?

It is key to know your own strengths and focus on your own journey.  Feel grateful for what you have and feel blessed to have the journey.  Life is not a competition and you will be miserable if you believe it is or desire for it to become one.  Enjoy your friend's successes and let the light that shines on them reflect on you.  Let they inspire you to do great things in your own unique way.

"Be miserable.  Or motivate yourself.  Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."...Wayne Dyer.

Have a terrific week everyone and
Be well,

Linda

Love, A Many-Splendored Thing

"Feeling joy in the pleasures of life, as depicted here in Marc Chagall's Festival in the Village, offers rewards beyond those of simply experiencing the moment.  There are benefits to personal health, development and longevity as well as evolutionary reasons why human beings experience positive emotions."...Barbara L. Fredrickson

There is a reason love is called a many-splendored thing.  According to world renowned researcher, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, in her book "Positivity", love is not a single kind of positivity.  It encompasses all others, including joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, and awe.  What transforms these other forms of positivity into love is their context.  When these good feelings stir our hearts within a safe, often close relationship, we call it love. 

According to Fredrickson and Branigan (2001), not only does love trigger these positive emotions, it also "broadens the momentary thought-action repertoire as people explore, savour, and play with the people they love.  Love as a positive emotion builds and solidifies our social resources."

In the early stages of a relationship, tied up with your initial attraction, you're deeply interested in anything and everything this new person says and does.  You share amusement and laugh together.  As your relationship builds and perhaps surpasses your expectations, it brings great joy.  You begin to share your hopes and dreams for your future together.  As the relationship becomes more solid, you sink back into the cozy serenity that comes with the security of mutual love.  You're grateful for the joys your beloved brings into your life, as proud of their achievements as you are of your own, inspired by their good qualities, and perhaps in awe of the forces of the universe that brought you together.

Each of these moments could equally be described as love.  So even though love is the most common flavour of positivity that people feel, we can appreciate that it has many facets.  Viewing love in this way, we can also sharpen our ability to see love as a momentary state - a surge - and not simply as a description of one of our relationships, be it with our spouse, child, parent, or sibling.  All kinds of love can bring us positive emotions.  These intimate relationships might best be viewed as the products of recurrent surges of love. 

In her book, the above describes the circumstances and patterns of thought that spark love.  The beauty of love, or other emotions, is that they are highly individualized, depending on your inner interpretations than on your outer circumstances.  As you think about love, simply ask yourself:  When was the last time I felt this feeling?  Where was I? What was I doing? What else gives me this feeling?  Can I think of still more triggers?  What can I do now to cultivate this feeling?  Focus more on the "levers" that can turn on the feeling that flows through you than on the label "love" itself.

Think of a time when you felt love surge within you.

I am doing the same right now at this very moment, with my own unique lever.

Making small changes in the ways we appreciate and frame the events of our day can turn positivity on.  And each type of positivity, including and especially love, holds the ability to broaden and build our lives.

Here is Barbara Fredrickson describing the different forms of positive emotions:

Keeping track of our positivity ratio (positive emotions to negative emotions, goal being 3:1) is making a lifestyle change, similar to keeping track of our diet or finances.  The benefit is that it allows us to become more mindful of how different events and activities in our day trigger emotions in us, both positive and negative.  But the rewards are there and it's well worth the effort.  Knowing what our emotions are like today will help us meet our goals of flourishing and being happy long term.  Positive emotions today will impact our lives down the road. 


Cheers and
Be well,

Linda

Give Yourself A Break

"I see a man taking a break in his highly structured life, reading a newspaper in the park, or a young woman sitting on a curb eating a sandwich, reading a book and taking a moment for herself.  I celebrate these moments in bronze."...J. Steward Johnson Jr.

While my mom is cooped up with little to do and in discomfort from her recently fractured shoulder, she is entertaining herself with the television during her recovery.  Early this morning, I could her the tv theme from "Cheers" in the background.  It made me smile.  It took me way back to my years well before the "sandwich generation" arrived.  I only had "me" to care for, I could manage my career, and manage my life without distraction.  Dare I say, "those were the good old days".  No, I don't believe that.  But I will readily admit that it was far easier then to take care of myself and give myself a break whenever I wanted one.  Back then, I took all that free time for granted.  Now I understand the importance of free time as a precious commodity.  Now, each day I find creative ways to get to that free time and savour it when I do. 



That tune always makes me feel good.  Getting together with friends who really know you well is always wonderful.  Cherish those times.  I'm seeing a good friend for a movie on Sunday and the timing couldn't be more perfect.  I like just being me, and that's something easy to be with a friend.  That doesn't mean I dislike being mom and daughter.  I love those too, more than anything.  But, taking a break for yourself is fun, joyful and good for your health.  So, take breaks often.  Don't wait until you're at a breaking point, where your break is to escape your problems.  That's like skipping meals and eating when you're starving.  It's bad for your health, and may cause indigestion in others around you as well.  You don't want to reach a crisis level to realize that "I never take a break". 

Depending on your circumstances, getting out with just your spouse or friends, though pleasurable, may not be possible as often as we'd like or need.  It's never a good idea to only plan for that "perfect" break, rather, take breaks for yourself in simple ways every day.  Just knowing you have one small routine that makes you happy each day can boost your mood.  Enjoy a good book while you eat your lunch.  Or go for a brisk walk while listening to your favourite music.  You know the simple things that bring you joy, so make them available to yourself each day.  When you do settle back, be sure not to negate the positive effects of the break by feeling guilty and anxiously spend your time updating your mental to-do list.  You would be surprised what just taking an hour a day for yourself will do for your happiness and well being.  Your improvements in overall well-being will improve the lives of those you regularly interact as well.

Lastly, make sure you take the time each day to remember at least one thing that made you happy.  At Christmas, my favourite gift was my five year, one-sentence happiness journal, by Gretchen Rubin.  I love it!  It's amazing how pleasurable it is to remember something good about your day and to record that thought in a beautiful book as a keepsake.  That calculates to over fifteen hundred happy memories to keep and share, for under $20.00.  Good things do not have to come with expensive price tags!

I would recommend this book to all my readers, in fact buy two - one for yourself and one as a gift for someone you love.  Someone you are grateful to have in your life!

Enjoy your day and remember it well!

Cheers!
Linda

Happy New Year !

"Learn from yesterday.  Live for today.  Hope for tomorrow."...Albert Einstein

With 2011 coming to a close today, it's that traditional time when we may reflect on the past and plan goals for the future.  New Year's resolutions can be fun to make, and I personally believe that starting out a fresh new year with positive intentions is the right attitude toward success, well being and fulfillment.

Tonight I will be ringing in the New Year surrounded by people I love and I wish them all to be happy, healthy, safe and joyful throughout the New Year.  And in the spirit of a loving-kindness meditation, I wish all those things back to myself.

When I reflect on 2011, I can say my family became stronger and happier as the year progressed.  We faced many difficulties with open minds and hearts and rebounded both quickly and skillfully.  I am grateful for our many blessings and hopeful that next year we'll continue to flourish.

Speaking of flourishing, I would love to share one special moment with you, let's call it our moment of euphoria for 2011.  Someone in my family achieved something incredible, something that I'm so very proud of - more than words can easily express, and something that through twenty-five years of hard-work, determination and perseverance was finally accomplished.  That someone is my husband and that something was his dream of business ownership.  And a very successful business at that!

My husband and I have been together for twenty-six years, and I know more than anyone how much this means to him.  I've been with him the whole way.  He had to learn a very difficult business from the bottom straight to the top.  The first few years were tough, having come to this country at twenty years old and not knowing the language well, he turned to a difficult trade for survival, to pay the basic bills and help care for his family.  He was a young man, alone with an enormous amount of responsibility.  The most unselfish and independent person I've ever met, he helped everyone, asked for nothing in return, worked hard, never complained and thankfully, took well deserved pride in himself.  He was known as the best in his trade and this for a while gave him great satisfaction.  But as he approached thirty, he decided he'd had enough of the physical parts of the job and worked to pursue the business aspects of the industry.  While still maintaining a full time job, he began part time studies in insurance and business management.  Shortly after our son was born, he landed his first step out of the trade - he moved into management as a part time assistant.  After two years, he then moved on to a different employer and was a full time Assistant Manager for three years.  Later he was hired as a General Manager and after about two years, they asked him to start up a new business they were opening (just happens to be five minute drive from our home!), where he would be completely in charge of the day to day operations and business decisions.  He accepted on condition that he would have ownership in the business.  After very successfully starting up this business from scratch, and a lengthy negotiating period, he is now both Manager and Operating Partner and has a large stake in the ownership in the form of shares.  The shares were finally awarded to him in May of this year.  That was our moment of euphoria!!  His hard work and determination paid off, he attained his goals and that was an extremely satisfying moment for us as a family.

My husband is the perfect example of a born leader.  That is his core, signature strength.  He also has courage, perseverance, generosity, integrity, ingenuity and practical intelligence.  I believe he used all his strengths well to get to where he is today.  He is flourishing and as I said before, I could not be more proud of him!

Okay, there was one little extra he had to help him flourish.  He always had and always will have my love, and nothing can ever be accomplished without that.  Like Ralph and Alice (our favourite tv married couple since we were first dating!), Baby you're the greatest!

I loved sharing this story with all of you!  It made me feel so good to write it.  Sharing good news brings about joy and happiness.  I hope it inspired you a little bit as we as a family have had many challenges throughout our life, I've shared some of them on my blog, coping with autism is one example.  Hardships are inevitable as we as a family have learned all too well from our experiences, but as I see it, there are two basic responses to hardship:  despair or hope.  Everyone of us has the potential to flourish, it's not always easy, but when you access those positive emotions like hope each day and reduce your negatives, even and especially during the most difficult days, you too can flourish.

I wish all my readers all the very best in the new year.  Together we will flourish..remember the tipping point of positive to negative emotions (3:1), and know that keeping that in mind and using your strengths to achieve your best (I will be helping you all learn to identify them in the new year), you will have an awesome year.  I'll be doing the same along with you!

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Best,

Linda

Pursuit of Happyness

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  And I remember thinking how did he know to put the "pursuit" part in there?  That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it.  No matter what.  How did he know that?...Chris Gardner, movie Pursuit of Happyness.

I hope all of you had a very enjoyable holiday!  My favourite moment so far...drinking hot chocolate with my family while watching Polar Express on Christmas night.  I know it sounds simple, but it sure was cozy!

My boxing day was not as great, as my mother took another spill and this time fractured her shoulder.  Some of my long time readers here may remember that earlier in the year she broke her foot and then her hip.  She is eighty-two.  Let's hope and pray that this will be her last broken bone in her lifetime. 

This week I planned to write about our favourite "happy" movies and thank you all for sending me your selections.  I will start today, and we'll carry on into 2012.  Many of your choices are also mine, and the others I'm very much looking forward to watching in the future.

The Pursuit of Happyness is a wonderfully touching and meaningful movie that I've enjoyed more than once.   I'm going to offer some of my interpretations of the messages drawn from the movie, and of course, I'd love to hear your own.

This movie was inspired by the true life events of Chris Gardner and is set in the early 1980's.  He offers bits of narration throughout the film.  In the opening scenes, we see him accompanying his five year old son, Christopher to daycare.  As they chat and joke, we see he is clearly a father who is both caring and engaged with his son and his life.  In the first line of the movie, he introduces himself by sharing that "he didn't meet his own father until he was twenty-eight and made up his mind as a young kid that when he had children, they were going to know who their father was."  I think this opening bit sets the tone of the movie, that it was going to mostly be about their relationship, and his wanting to not only be a responsible father but also a role model, something he didn't have growing up.  Almost immediately I found myself rooting for the these two.

We also see from start of the movie that they are living in poverty.  We learn that he put all his life's savings into expensive medical equipment that he struggles to sell.  He's also way behind in paying the basic bills: rent, taxes, parking tickets etc.  He has to ride the bus around town.  His son's daycare is sub-par and has graffiti and misspelled words on the window, and this in particular really troubles Chris.  Shortly into the movie, just as they are about to be evicted from their apartment, his wife and son's mother, abandons the family, fed up she states "I'm not happy, goodbye".

His wife was only ever negative. She complained, argued, felt hopeless, blamed, criticized, nagged etc.etc. and then she left without her own son, knowing the dire situation that was soon to follow.  Chris on the other hand, while experiencing the same life as his wife, remained positive and happy and never blamed anyone else for his troubles.  He remained optimistic and hopeful that the future would work out and this opened his mind and heart to new and creative solutions.  One day he saw a young man parking an expensive sports car and asked, half jokingly, what he did for a living.  He was a stock broker. Chris noticed everyone around that building looked so happy, and he yearned to feel the same.  As the viewer, I didn't feel this moment was about him wishing to be rich, or feeling like only the rich were happy, but what he saw was another option, an alternative and sharp contrast to how he was currently living.  He saw a different possibility, one that could lead to a fulfilling life.  Even though he had not attended university, he had confidence in himself, in his intelligence, and just needed a chance to prove it.  This self trust inspired him to take that chance and apply for an internship at Dean Witter, and in spite of numerous obstacles, his persistence with the recruiter paid off as he was granted an interview and ultimately was given the opportunity he so desired.

By the way, he was granted the interview in the first place not because of his paper application, which was probably filed in the trash can due to lack of perceived qualifications, but because his persistence lead him into sharing a cab ride with the recruiter which he then used the time well by impressing him by solving the immensely popular Rubik cube, (a feat nobody could ever do at the time) leaving the guy virtually in awe and speechless.  He got his break because he is a man who epitomizes the triumphs of perseverence over adversity.

He incredibly was accepted into the internship program, even though he arrived at the interview in a mess (long story, but watch here, it's one of my favourite scenes in the movie!)...

This movie displays many of the messages I regularly write about on my blog.  No matter your circumstances, you can still access positive emotions each day and be happy each day.  We are all going to face our fair share of triumphs and misfortune in life, but our own happiness does not have to fluctuate with them.  In fact, it's during those struggles and hardships that you should be most careful not to turn on the negative tap and wallow in self pity, but rather do all you can to remain hopeful and positive.  And when you do, you will be far more resilient and will bounce back quicker when setbacks happen.  You can even flourish, just as Chris Gardner did.  Just as his wife was leaving, he picked up his son from daycare and told him that "he was happy, and they would stay together."  His wife was a person looking to "pursue" happiness somewhere else, as in a destination.  She never saw any goodness in her own life, only the despair, even though she had plenty in her husband and especially in her beautiful boy.  They never mentioned her again.  Goodbye and good riddance.    

During the six month internship at Dean Witter, which was full-time, without compensation and extremely competitive, he also had to take care of his son (without help) and sell his scanners part-time to pay for rent, food and daycare.  The IRS cleared out his bank account.  Pretty much everything that could go wrong for him, did.  Yet he remained upbeat and stood out as a talented professional whose diligence, tenacity and personality impressed both the owners and clients alike.  He was also an outstanding father throughout this entire transition period.

He was outstanding, but things were far from perfect.  They were again evicted and on the first night of homelessness, they were forced to sleep in a bus station washroom.  They moved into a homeless shelter, which was better as some days they attended church service and became uplifted and inspired by the messages.  But then there were days when they ran out of space, and they were forced to ride the bus or train all night long.  He hated the day-care centre Christopher was in, but he could not afford any better.  Chris made the best of the situation they had, all the while persevering toward a better future.  As a single parent, he remained attentive, loving and responsible and despite the hardships, somehow managed to still take care of his son's basic needs, in my opinion, better than many parents with far easier circumstances do.

Toward the end of the movie, in a very poignant sequence of scenes, we see Chris lending his last five dollars to one of the Dean Witter partners (for cab fare, the man had no idea the enormity of that gesture), and then Chris was forced to give blood to pay for a small replacement part for a scanner he needed to sell.  Having repaired and sold his last scanner, he treated Christopher to a fun evening together and a night at a hotel.  It was their reward for surviving through the six months stronger than they ever were before.

Overall, this movie touched my heart because it wasn't about greed, or about believing wealth, driving an expensive car or attaining a luxury lifestyle creates the "happy life".  Chris Gardner's pursuit was a dream for a better life for the two of them to share together. Above all else, being a good father was his idea of success.  His relationship with his son brought him joy and happiness.  This love made him not bow down to the hardships and challenges that life threw at him.  And in spite of the numerous setbacks that came his way, these did not dim his hopes of what he wanted to achieve in life.  It was a truly inspiring movie because our struggles seem so minor compared to what he had to endure, yet he accomplished far greater than most of us ever could. 

This is my favourite scene in the movie, the ending.  The best, ever.  The six months are over, and he's meeting with the bosses to hear the result of his internship: 

Oh I loved that scene!!  Two points in the message..I loved that he described that moment of happiness as this "little" part of his life, because we all know that these moments of euphoria don't last for long, even the best ones we can imagine.  And I loved the part when he ran to share his great news with his son and they embraced, but then almost immediately it was back to normal.  They were just walking home together as they always did, sharing trivia and knock knock jokes.  That's reality.   

By the way, some trivia of my own.  The man that passes by Chris and his son in the final moments of the movie is the real life Chris Gardner, in a cameo appearance.

This was truly a beautiful feel-good movie that is morally grounded, entertaining and full of happyness!!

Cheers!
Linda

Merry Christmas To All

I would like to wish all my readers, a very Merry Christmas and the happiest holiday season ever.  May you all enjoy the gift of peace and may it be your blessing all year through.

Cheers!
Linda

Reduce Gratuitous Negativity

"Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment.  This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath."...Charlotte Joko Beck

Increasing your heartfelt positivity is your key to unleashing flourishing possibilities in your life.  Positive emotions open our hearts and minds, making us more receptive and more creative.  By opening our hearts and minds, positive emotions allow us to discover and build new skills, new ties, new knowledge, and new ways of being.  Positivity transforms us for the better.  The emerging science suggests that once your ratio (positive to negative) rises above 3 to 1 you will have passed the "tipping point", the point where you may begin living a flourishing life.  Your positivity ratio makes a big difference.  It forecasts whether your life trajectory is leading you to languish or flourish.

Reducing negativity may be the fastest, most efficient way for you to increase your ratio.  If your current ratio is seriously low, this is where you'll want to begin.  This is also where you'll want to begin if your positivity seems fairly high already, but is matched by comparably high negativity.

We do have to bear in mind that the goal is reduce negativity, not eliminate it.  The ratio is not 3-0.  Nobody could flourish without some negativity.  At times, negative emotions are appropriate and useful.  It is proper and helpful, for instance, to mourn after a loss, to resonate on your anger to fight an injustice, or to be frightened by things that could cause harm to you or your children.  Appropriate negativity keeps us grounded, real, and honest.  The beauty of the 3-1 positivity ratio is that it's large enough to encompass the full range of human emotions.  There's no emotion that needs to be forever shunned or suppressed.

Our best goal is to reduce inappropriate or gratuitous negativity.  Gratuitous negativity is neither helpful nor healthy.  Does it help to snap at a cashier after we've waited in line longer than we expected?  Is it healthy to berate ourselves for not having dinner ready on time or not getting the laundry done?  What's to be gained when we dwell on an off-the-cuff comment our child's teacher or co-worker made?  At times our entrenched emotional habits can intensify or prolong our bad feelings far beyond their usefulness.  Like an out-of-control weed, gratuitous negativity grows fast and crowds out positivity's more tender shoots.  My message here is that gratuitous negativity can hold us hostage, and can keep us so constrained and smothered that we are simply unable to flourish.

I have in other posts written about ways to manage some our own gratuitous negativity, for example by disputing negative thoughts, and experimenting with mindful awareness, but suppose it's not us, but rather someone else.  Someone who reliably shows up in our own needlessly negative episodes each day, complaining about everything and everyone and regularly raining on our parade.  How can we deal with the negative people in our lives? 

The best advice that I've read recently, in the book "Positivity" by famous researcher Barbara Fredrickson, is to act on one of the three basic ways to curb needless negativity in any circumstance:  modify the social situation, attend to it differently, or change its meaning.  Although it may well be possible to limit your exposure to this negative person, doing so should perhaps be your last recourse.  The three other paths - described as "social aikido", may well teach you the most about yourself and your inherent capacity to change.

Aikido is a Japanese martial art described by its founder as the "art of peace."  The guiding principle of aikido is to neutralize aggression without causing harm to yourself or your attacker, which is the spirit underlying each of the three techniques for dealing with difficult people.  They are ways to neutralize negativity by extending compassion, love and openness to those who may well be suffering and lashing out.

Today I will briefly examine these techniques.

Technique #1 - Modify the situation.  In this technique you must consider how you might alter the typical situations in which you and this person interact.  Start by asking yourself some tough questions, is there any way that I inadvertently feed this person's negativity?  Might I somehow bait them with my own reactions or words?  Am I to any degree closed down when we interact?  What assumptions do I make about this person?

We all prejudge others now and then.  So it becomes useful to really push yourself to discover what you think you "know already" about this person.  Once you've located your hidden assumptions, explore how those assumptions might affect your behaviour toward that person.  In particular, might your assumptions make you less open, less curious, or less warm?  Some people will often use negativity as a bid to get your attention, however childish that approach may seem.  So try experimenting with how you act when you're together.  What happens when you give your attention and openness first and freely?  Express more warmth.  Ask more questions.  Show particular interest when the messages are lighter and perhaps less when they needlessly are dark.

Another way to modify the situation, once negativity surfaces, is to inject compassion, hope, or even humour.  Curb your tendency to respond "in kind" to gratuitous negativity with yet another helping of it.  You don't need to escalate the problem.  Be open to the truth in the messages delivered, yet consider whether you might gently offer positive reframes of them.  Is it possible to respectfully convert their "half empty" to "half full?".  When one partner somehow manages to break the cycle of negative reciprocity - by responding to negativity in a neutral or positive way - fare far better than those in which partners mirror each other's ill will.

Technique #2 - Attend differently.  I touched on this technique a while back in my post "getting along".  This strategy considers how you might attend to different aspects of this person.  Sure, there are things about her/him that you dislike, but what are her positive qualities?  What do you appreciate about him?  What does she bring to the table?  Consider how you might give voice to what you appreciate.  Scientific studies have documented that, in relationships, the areas where you choose to cast your attention and devote your words grow in strength and significance over time.

Technique #3 - Change meanings - Instead of seeing this person as bringing you down, revisit the quote by Zen teacher Charlotte Joko Beck that opened this blog today.  Could this person - or this situation - be a teacher in disguise?  They may well be, if you reframe your time with her as a challenge - a challenge to be more mindful, less judgmental, or more compassionate.  After all, you get to choose whether to react to the negativity this person spews.  Her negativity need not be yours.  Working on your own reactions in a mindful way may even remove some of the fuel that keeps this person's negativity flaming.  But even if it doesn't, you still come out ahead.  You'll have further developed your skill in mindfulness. 

Ridding our days of needless negativity, either our own or dealing with negative people in our lives better, is a great place to start in improving our positivity ratios.  Yet it's not the whole story.  We are always going to have at least some negativity.  That's life.  To provide a healthy counterweight to it, you also need to learn how to lift your heartfelt positivity.  This reminds me of a story I recently read which I feel is a fitting end to today's blog...

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.  He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.  One is Evil.  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.  The other is Good.  It is joy, peace, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about this for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which one wins?" 

The old Cherokee simply replied "The one you feed."


I really love that short story! 


Have a wonderful weekend, everyone.
Cheers!


Linda 

Holiday De-Stress Tips

"As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December's bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives that are worth our aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same."...Donald E. Westlake

As much as I love Christmas, I do, like many, find this time of year a little stressful.  I know "T'is the season to be jolly", but sometimes it is easier said than done.  If you think about it, we all say throughout the year how tired and wired we are just coping with our regular day-to-day business, now suddenly we are to manage decorating, wrapping, cleaning, baking, cooking, travelling, parties, etc. etc. all on top of our regular load.  The crowds and holiday shopping alone can be a nightmare (especially taking our kids with us!).  In addition, it's that time of year when we're feeling a little run down with colds or just plain tired from getting a little less sleep each night.  And oh the snow...so far, fortunately, we've (in Ontario) been spared the good old dumping that predictably arrives just in time for an official "white Christmas", but I know that's not the case in so many other locations.  I like snow, but I share your pain in shovelling it when we've got so many other things to plan and do.  I wish snow could just sit and glisten prettily on tree branches and melt when it reaches ground!

Lastly, I would not want to forget that all the extra socializing, for many of us, can also add to our stress metre.  This time of year we are often forced to make merry in many new and different situations with people we either hardly know or we'd rather not know!  With our energy banks already low, this wonderfully cheery time of year could turn into a disaster if we are not proactive in managing our stress levels.

So how can we stay grounded and present and truly let ourselves feel the holiday spirit?  How do we survive the added pressures and still remain positive, happy and in good cheer throughout the holidays?  Over the years, I've read the usual stuff, remember to eat properly, sleep, exercise, pace ourselves, take breaks, limit spending and avoid drinking too much.  While that's still good advice, I thought this year, I would include more of the positive psychology that I truly believe in and write about on my blog.  As I'm learning more about the value of accessing positive emotions each day, I'm going to include this into my Christmas routine to reduce or limit the effects of stress overload.  This includes: practicing gratitude (don't take good fortune for granted), watching a funny movie (laughter), write out five good things that happen each day, engage in activities that give me pleasure, talk and make plans to visit friends, playing and having fun with my kids, practice generosity, read an inspiring book, random acts of kindness, practicing meditation to name a few. 

I've also found this exercise to help me relax into gratitude, my own strengths and my highest values this season.  This positive intervention has so far been both fun and helpful and I hope you give it a try too:

1.  Shop for a Holiday notebook - pick out a design that pleases you, something that you will want to use and feel comfortable using it.  It does not have to be fancy or expensive.  When waiting in line to pay, practice simple breathing exercises, for example -- inhale on a count of five, then exhale on a count of eight.

2.  In your new notebook, write down the best holiday experience you ever had in a few lines or paragraphs.  Then close the book and spend about fifteen minutes mulling over that positive experience while you do something else.

3.  Come back and write down ten short phrases that sum up why that "best holiday" was the best.  Here are some examples from people who have done this "all my kids were there", "no deadlines", "didn't have to cook", "biggest Christmas tree ever", "had all the shopping done early"

4.  Describe that best holiday to someone you trust.  Share the ten phrases and talk over what made it good.  When you put an experience into spoken words, you are making it more clear to yourself.  Chances are, even if you didn't realize it, your best holiday was one in which you were using your strengths, meaning character strengths and gifts that are particular to you.  The best holiday scenario most likely did not result in becoming over challenged by having to do many things outside your inventory of strengths.

5.  Tell your companion what you liked best about yourself in the "Best Holiday" scenario.  Make a pact with your companion that you will give up one thing that you do at the holidays that you hate doing.  Write down what that thing is.  It may be something that you think you should do, but does not fit with your "signature strengths".  Then look over your ten phrases, choose one of them and promise to do some version of that thing again this season.  Invite your companion to share a "best holiday" story as well.

When the holidays are over - be sure to write in your book what worked well this year and if there is anything, what you'd never want to do again.  Store your book in a safe place to use for next year!

Above all, I feel the most important thing to remember is that genuine happiness is about how we feel on the inside.  We can keep ourselves in a healthy state of mind not through the fleeting pleasure of tasting fine food, wine or receiving the latest gadget, but by making a conscious decision to enjoy the holidays as much as we can, by savouring those thoughtful, sentimental moments, and in knowing that this happiness is contagious, your close family and friends will be happy too when they see your glow.  We all benefit when we can awaken the joy within us!

Here is another Christmas video to get you all warm and fuzzy for the holidays, enjoy!

Cheers!
Linda

The Holiday Spirit Of Giving

"Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the hearts of family and friends, that would be giving as the angels give." 

This week I was out shopping and found myself inside Hallmark looking for wrapping paper, bows, ribbons and a get well card.  A few feet away I saw boxes of beautiful old English style Christmas cards and it brought me way back to my childhood memories, when mailing out our cards was an important and special part of the holiday tradition.

Sadly, I don't think I've "mailed" a card out in years to anyone!  In the store, I could feel the sadness and guilt setting in, so I made a decision to return to this tradition and just that thought restored my cheer and enthusiasm of the holidays.  These simple, yet sentimental activities really do bring about enormous pleasure once you get started!

I have been trying much harder this Christmas to teach my children about the true spirit of giving.  At my daughter's school, they are busily collecting food items to donate to those families who are less fortunate than our own.  She originally said that she had to bring in just three items to receive a free ticket for the dance.  I questioned her with the idea of not stopping at three, after all the food drive is not about the dance, it's about helping to feed the hungry, and how can we ever demonstrate and feel compassion towards others if we don't take the time to stop and think about whole situation.  We do not know what it feels like to be hungry.  After thinking about it from that perspective, she has wanted and asked to bring food in every day, she's brought in over fifty items so far and has set a positive example to the rest of her class.  She is encouraging others to follow the same and I couldn't be more proud of her!

The next thing we'll be doing in honour of the gift-giving spirit, is visiting a toy store and purchasing a toy to donate to a local charity drive.  The only purchase from the store will be the donated gift (we will not shop for ourselves at the same time!), which I will let my daughter pick out.  Then we will drop it off together.

I'm hoping my daughter, and son too though it's harder for him to understand, will realize that Christmas has many important messages and meanings, but we must try hard to remember the true spirit of giving at this time of year.  We must feel the gratitude for what we have and never forget those less fortunate who depend on our compassion and help at Christmas and all throughout the year.  We should keep everyone in our thoughts and prayers at Christmas.

My video for today is one of my favourite Christmas tunes to get us all in that cozy spirited mood for "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"...

  

And thank you all for your movie suggestions and supporting the idea...I think I'll do a couple leading up to Christmas.  Look for them week December 26-30th!

Cheers!
Linda