"Another person's choice is nothing more than another alternative for you to consider."... Dr. Shad Helmstetter
Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't care what other people think? Of course not! We spend a great deal of our time discussing our conflicts, analysing our choices, and reporting our decisions with family, friends, colleagues and even casual acquaintances, and I don't think the reason is only because we enjoy talking about ourselves. We do it for a little positive encouragement, feedback, and to gain other perspectives. This helps us self evaluate and arrive at more informed decisions. In the end, however, we only hope that others will respect that our choices are ultimately our own to make, and when we do they will be supportive, even if they disagree with them.
Aside from immediate family (who may be directly affected), no one else should be so concerned about the choices we make for ourselves. We are the ones living with the consequences, nobody else, so why is there still an abundance of opinion, unsolicited advice, and negative judgement following us around? Are we sending out the wrong vibes to people, do we encourage this to happen, even though we hate it?
I think one reason is that the big decisions women face often involve the career and family balance, and that topic is still very polarizing even in this day and age. I think some women still feel that our individual choices have repercussions to "all women" in some way, both now and in the future, and those few women want us to follow what they perceive to be the "better side" in the debate. I personally dislike that, because I don't think there is a 'better side". To me it's not a black nor white issue, but rather a shade of grey.
I don't think I could articulate my sentiment in this particular topic better than the character Joan in the movie "Mona Lisa Smile".
"Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer? ...not as much as I'd regret not having a family or being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing, and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you...you stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you, a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a centre hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want."
I love Joan's speech here because for one, she stood up and pointed out her teacher's obvious prejudice point of view, and two, she communicated her own desires with honesty rather than feeling compelled to justify them or proclaim her choices as the best ones for all women. She also tried to find a common ground for which we can all agree, we now have choices to do anything we so desire, and for that we are grateful.
When we are in that "shade of grey", we see and feel both the pros and cons of managing family and career and any choices will always hold some residual feelings of doubt, guilt or regret. Our own personal feelings can affect our communications with others, in how we both give and receive advice or opinions, including the well-intentioned ones. I think the majority of women feel ambivalent in this area one way or the other. Perhaps we should just try to be more supportive and empathetic rather than continually speaking out based on our own personal perspectives. We do what's best for us, given our desires and individual circumstances. I think we all need to just help each other feel at peace with that.
If you do come across difficult characters who seem to not be able to mind their own business and are being harshly judgemental, I found a great quote: "some people choose to live by complaining and criticizing. Other people choose to live".
Cheers!
Linda
