Happy New Year !

"Learn from yesterday.  Live for today.  Hope for tomorrow."...Albert Einstein

With 2011 coming to a close today, it's that traditional time when we may reflect on the past and plan goals for the future.  New Year's resolutions can be fun to make, and I personally believe that starting out a fresh new year with positive intentions is the right attitude toward success, well being and fulfillment.

Tonight I will be ringing in the New Year surrounded by people I love and I wish them all to be happy, healthy, safe and joyful throughout the New Year.  And in the spirit of a loving-kindness meditation, I wish all those things back to myself.

When I reflect on 2011, I can say my family became stronger and happier as the year progressed.  We faced many difficulties with open minds and hearts and rebounded both quickly and skillfully.  I am grateful for our many blessings and hopeful that next year we'll continue to flourish.

Speaking of flourishing, I would love to share one special moment with you, let's call it our moment of euphoria for 2011.  Someone in my family achieved something incredible, something that I'm so very proud of - more than words can easily express, and something that through twenty-five years of hard-work, determination and perseverance was finally accomplished.  That someone is my husband and that something was his dream of business ownership.  And a very successful business at that!

My husband and I have been together for twenty-six years, and I know more than anyone how much this means to him.  I've been with him the whole way.  He had to learn a very difficult business from the bottom straight to the top.  The first few years were tough, having come to this country at twenty years old and not knowing the language well, he turned to a difficult trade for survival, to pay the basic bills and help care for his family.  He was a young man, alone with an enormous amount of responsibility.  The most unselfish and independent person I've ever met, he helped everyone, asked for nothing in return, worked hard, never complained and thankfully, took well deserved pride in himself.  He was known as the best in his trade and this for a while gave him great satisfaction.  But as he approached thirty, he decided he'd had enough of the physical parts of the job and worked to pursue the business aspects of the industry.  While still maintaining a full time job, he began part time studies in insurance and business management.  Shortly after our son was born, he landed his first step out of the trade - he moved into management as a part time assistant.  After two years, he then moved on to a different employer and was a full time Assistant Manager for three years.  Later he was hired as a General Manager and after about two years, they asked him to start up a new business they were opening (just happens to be five minute drive from our home!), where he would be completely in charge of the day to day operations and business decisions.  He accepted on condition that he would have ownership in the business.  After very successfully starting up this business from scratch, and a lengthy negotiating period, he is now both Manager and Operating Partner and has a large stake in the ownership in the form of shares.  The shares were finally awarded to him in May of this year.  That was our moment of euphoria!!  His hard work and determination paid off, he attained his goals and that was an extremely satisfying moment for us as a family.

My husband is the perfect example of a born leader.  That is his core, signature strength.  He also has courage, perseverance, generosity, integrity, ingenuity and practical intelligence.  I believe he used all his strengths well to get to where he is today.  He is flourishing and as I said before, I could not be more proud of him!

Okay, there was one little extra he had to help him flourish.  He always had and always will have my love, and nothing can ever be accomplished without that.  Like Ralph and Alice (our favourite tv married couple since we were first dating!), Baby you're the greatest!

I loved sharing this story with all of you!  It made me feel so good to write it.  Sharing good news brings about joy and happiness.  I hope it inspired you a little bit as we as a family have had many challenges throughout our life, I've shared some of them on my blog, coping with autism is one example.  Hardships are inevitable as we as a family have learned all too well from our experiences, but as I see it, there are two basic responses to hardship:  despair or hope.  Everyone of us has the potential to flourish, it's not always easy, but when you access those positive emotions like hope each day and reduce your negatives, even and especially during the most difficult days, you too can flourish.

I wish all my readers all the very best in the new year.  Together we will flourish..remember the tipping point of positive to negative emotions (3:1), and know that keeping that in mind and using your strengths to achieve your best (I will be helping you all learn to identify them in the new year), you will have an awesome year.  I'll be doing the same along with you!

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Best,

Linda

Pursuit of Happyness

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  And I remember thinking how did he know to put the "pursuit" part in there?  That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it.  No matter what.  How did he know that?...Chris Gardner, movie Pursuit of Happyness.

I hope all of you had a very enjoyable holiday!  My favourite moment so far...drinking hot chocolate with my family while watching Polar Express on Christmas night.  I know it sounds simple, but it sure was cozy!

My boxing day was not as great, as my mother took another spill and this time fractured her shoulder.  Some of my long time readers here may remember that earlier in the year she broke her foot and then her hip.  She is eighty-two.  Let's hope and pray that this will be her last broken bone in her lifetime. 

This week I planned to write about our favourite "happy" movies and thank you all for sending me your selections.  I will start today, and we'll carry on into 2012.  Many of your choices are also mine, and the others I'm very much looking forward to watching in the future.

The Pursuit of Happyness is a wonderfully touching and meaningful movie that I've enjoyed more than once.   I'm going to offer some of my interpretations of the messages drawn from the movie, and of course, I'd love to hear your own.

This movie was inspired by the true life events of Chris Gardner and is set in the early 1980's.  He offers bits of narration throughout the film.  In the opening scenes, we see him accompanying his five year old son, Christopher to daycare.  As they chat and joke, we see he is clearly a father who is both caring and engaged with his son and his life.  In the first line of the movie, he introduces himself by sharing that "he didn't meet his own father until he was twenty-eight and made up his mind as a young kid that when he had children, they were going to know who their father was."  I think this opening bit sets the tone of the movie, that it was going to mostly be about their relationship, and his wanting to not only be a responsible father but also a role model, something he didn't have growing up.  Almost immediately I found myself rooting for the these two.

We also see from start of the movie that they are living in poverty.  We learn that he put all his life's savings into expensive medical equipment that he struggles to sell.  He's also way behind in paying the basic bills: rent, taxes, parking tickets etc.  He has to ride the bus around town.  His son's daycare is sub-par and has graffiti and misspelled words on the window, and this in particular really troubles Chris.  Shortly into the movie, just as they are about to be evicted from their apartment, his wife and son's mother, abandons the family, fed up she states "I'm not happy, goodbye".

His wife was only ever negative. She complained, argued, felt hopeless, blamed, criticized, nagged etc.etc. and then she left without her own son, knowing the dire situation that was soon to follow.  Chris on the other hand, while experiencing the same life as his wife, remained positive and happy and never blamed anyone else for his troubles.  He remained optimistic and hopeful that the future would work out and this opened his mind and heart to new and creative solutions.  One day he saw a young man parking an expensive sports car and asked, half jokingly, what he did for a living.  He was a stock broker. Chris noticed everyone around that building looked so happy, and he yearned to feel the same.  As the viewer, I didn't feel this moment was about him wishing to be rich, or feeling like only the rich were happy, but what he saw was another option, an alternative and sharp contrast to how he was currently living.  He saw a different possibility, one that could lead to a fulfilling life.  Even though he had not attended university, he had confidence in himself, in his intelligence, and just needed a chance to prove it.  This self trust inspired him to take that chance and apply for an internship at Dean Witter, and in spite of numerous obstacles, his persistence with the recruiter paid off as he was granted an interview and ultimately was given the opportunity he so desired.

By the way, he was granted the interview in the first place not because of his paper application, which was probably filed in the trash can due to lack of perceived qualifications, but because his persistence lead him into sharing a cab ride with the recruiter which he then used the time well by impressing him by solving the immensely popular Rubik cube, (a feat nobody could ever do at the time) leaving the guy virtually in awe and speechless.  He got his break because he is a man who epitomizes the triumphs of perseverence over adversity.

He incredibly was accepted into the internship program, even though he arrived at the interview in a mess (long story, but watch here, it's one of my favourite scenes in the movie!)...

This movie displays many of the messages I regularly write about on my blog.  No matter your circumstances, you can still access positive emotions each day and be happy each day.  We are all going to face our fair share of triumphs and misfortune in life, but our own happiness does not have to fluctuate with them.  In fact, it's during those struggles and hardships that you should be most careful not to turn on the negative tap and wallow in self pity, but rather do all you can to remain hopeful and positive.  And when you do, you will be far more resilient and will bounce back quicker when setbacks happen.  You can even flourish, just as Chris Gardner did.  Just as his wife was leaving, he picked up his son from daycare and told him that "he was happy, and they would stay together."  His wife was a person looking to "pursue" happiness somewhere else, as in a destination.  She never saw any goodness in her own life, only the despair, even though she had plenty in her husband and especially in her beautiful boy.  They never mentioned her again.  Goodbye and good riddance.    

During the six month internship at Dean Witter, which was full-time, without compensation and extremely competitive, he also had to take care of his son (without help) and sell his scanners part-time to pay for rent, food and daycare.  The IRS cleared out his bank account.  Pretty much everything that could go wrong for him, did.  Yet he remained upbeat and stood out as a talented professional whose diligence, tenacity and personality impressed both the owners and clients alike.  He was also an outstanding father throughout this entire transition period.

He was outstanding, but things were far from perfect.  They were again evicted and on the first night of homelessness, they were forced to sleep in a bus station washroom.  They moved into a homeless shelter, which was better as some days they attended church service and became uplifted and inspired by the messages.  But then there were days when they ran out of space, and they were forced to ride the bus or train all night long.  He hated the day-care centre Christopher was in, but he could not afford any better.  Chris made the best of the situation they had, all the while persevering toward a better future.  As a single parent, he remained attentive, loving and responsible and despite the hardships, somehow managed to still take care of his son's basic needs, in my opinion, better than many parents with far easier circumstances do.

Toward the end of the movie, in a very poignant sequence of scenes, we see Chris lending his last five dollars to one of the Dean Witter partners (for cab fare, the man had no idea the enormity of that gesture), and then Chris was forced to give blood to pay for a small replacement part for a scanner he needed to sell.  Having repaired and sold his last scanner, he treated Christopher to a fun evening together and a night at a hotel.  It was their reward for surviving through the six months stronger than they ever were before.

Overall, this movie touched my heart because it wasn't about greed, or about believing wealth, driving an expensive car or attaining a luxury lifestyle creates the "happy life".  Chris Gardner's pursuit was a dream for a better life for the two of them to share together. Above all else, being a good father was his idea of success.  His relationship with his son brought him joy and happiness.  This love made him not bow down to the hardships and challenges that life threw at him.  And in spite of the numerous setbacks that came his way, these did not dim his hopes of what he wanted to achieve in life.  It was a truly inspiring movie because our struggles seem so minor compared to what he had to endure, yet he accomplished far greater than most of us ever could. 

This is my favourite scene in the movie, the ending.  The best, ever.  The six months are over, and he's meeting with the bosses to hear the result of his internship: 

Oh I loved that scene!!  Two points in the message..I loved that he described that moment of happiness as this "little" part of his life, because we all know that these moments of euphoria don't last for long, even the best ones we can imagine.  And I loved the part when he ran to share his great news with his son and they embraced, but then almost immediately it was back to normal.  They were just walking home together as they always did, sharing trivia and knock knock jokes.  That's reality.   

By the way, some trivia of my own.  The man that passes by Chris and his son in the final moments of the movie is the real life Chris Gardner, in a cameo appearance.

This was truly a beautiful feel-good movie that is morally grounded, entertaining and full of happyness!!

Cheers!
Linda

Merry Christmas To All

I would like to wish all my readers, a very Merry Christmas and the happiest holiday season ever.  May you all enjoy the gift of peace and may it be your blessing all year through.

Cheers!
Linda

Reduce Gratuitous Negativity

"Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment.  This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath."...Charlotte Joko Beck

Increasing your heartfelt positivity is your key to unleashing flourishing possibilities in your life.  Positive emotions open our hearts and minds, making us more receptive and more creative.  By opening our hearts and minds, positive emotions allow us to discover and build new skills, new ties, new knowledge, and new ways of being.  Positivity transforms us for the better.  The emerging science suggests that once your ratio (positive to negative) rises above 3 to 1 you will have passed the "tipping point", the point where you may begin living a flourishing life.  Your positivity ratio makes a big difference.  It forecasts whether your life trajectory is leading you to languish or flourish.

Reducing negativity may be the fastest, most efficient way for you to increase your ratio.  If your current ratio is seriously low, this is where you'll want to begin.  This is also where you'll want to begin if your positivity seems fairly high already, but is matched by comparably high negativity.

We do have to bear in mind that the goal is reduce negativity, not eliminate it.  The ratio is not 3-0.  Nobody could flourish without some negativity.  At times, negative emotions are appropriate and useful.  It is proper and helpful, for instance, to mourn after a loss, to resonate on your anger to fight an injustice, or to be frightened by things that could cause harm to you or your children.  Appropriate negativity keeps us grounded, real, and honest.  The beauty of the 3-1 positivity ratio is that it's large enough to encompass the full range of human emotions.  There's no emotion that needs to be forever shunned or suppressed.

Our best goal is to reduce inappropriate or gratuitous negativity.  Gratuitous negativity is neither helpful nor healthy.  Does it help to snap at a cashier after we've waited in line longer than we expected?  Is it healthy to berate ourselves for not having dinner ready on time or not getting the laundry done?  What's to be gained when we dwell on an off-the-cuff comment our child's teacher or co-worker made?  At times our entrenched emotional habits can intensify or prolong our bad feelings far beyond their usefulness.  Like an out-of-control weed, gratuitous negativity grows fast and crowds out positivity's more tender shoots.  My message here is that gratuitous negativity can hold us hostage, and can keep us so constrained and smothered that we are simply unable to flourish.

I have in other posts written about ways to manage some our own gratuitous negativity, for example by disputing negative thoughts, and experimenting with mindful awareness, but suppose it's not us, but rather someone else.  Someone who reliably shows up in our own needlessly negative episodes each day, complaining about everything and everyone and regularly raining on our parade.  How can we deal with the negative people in our lives? 

The best advice that I've read recently, in the book "Positivity" by famous researcher Barbara Fredrickson, is to act on one of the three basic ways to curb needless negativity in any circumstance:  modify the social situation, attend to it differently, or change its meaning.  Although it may well be possible to limit your exposure to this negative person, doing so should perhaps be your last recourse.  The three other paths - described as "social aikido", may well teach you the most about yourself and your inherent capacity to change.

Aikido is a Japanese martial art described by its founder as the "art of peace."  The guiding principle of aikido is to neutralize aggression without causing harm to yourself or your attacker, which is the spirit underlying each of the three techniques for dealing with difficult people.  They are ways to neutralize negativity by extending compassion, love and openness to those who may well be suffering and lashing out.

Today I will briefly examine these techniques.

Technique #1 - Modify the situation.  In this technique you must consider how you might alter the typical situations in which you and this person interact.  Start by asking yourself some tough questions, is there any way that I inadvertently feed this person's negativity?  Might I somehow bait them with my own reactions or words?  Am I to any degree closed down when we interact?  What assumptions do I make about this person?

We all prejudge others now and then.  So it becomes useful to really push yourself to discover what you think you "know already" about this person.  Once you've located your hidden assumptions, explore how those assumptions might affect your behaviour toward that person.  In particular, might your assumptions make you less open, less curious, or less warm?  Some people will often use negativity as a bid to get your attention, however childish that approach may seem.  So try experimenting with how you act when you're together.  What happens when you give your attention and openness first and freely?  Express more warmth.  Ask more questions.  Show particular interest when the messages are lighter and perhaps less when they needlessly are dark.

Another way to modify the situation, once negativity surfaces, is to inject compassion, hope, or even humour.  Curb your tendency to respond "in kind" to gratuitous negativity with yet another helping of it.  You don't need to escalate the problem.  Be open to the truth in the messages delivered, yet consider whether you might gently offer positive reframes of them.  Is it possible to respectfully convert their "half empty" to "half full?".  When one partner somehow manages to break the cycle of negative reciprocity - by responding to negativity in a neutral or positive way - fare far better than those in which partners mirror each other's ill will.

Technique #2 - Attend differently.  I touched on this technique a while back in my post "getting along".  This strategy considers how you might attend to different aspects of this person.  Sure, there are things about her/him that you dislike, but what are her positive qualities?  What do you appreciate about him?  What does she bring to the table?  Consider how you might give voice to what you appreciate.  Scientific studies have documented that, in relationships, the areas where you choose to cast your attention and devote your words grow in strength and significance over time.

Technique #3 - Change meanings - Instead of seeing this person as bringing you down, revisit the quote by Zen teacher Charlotte Joko Beck that opened this blog today.  Could this person - or this situation - be a teacher in disguise?  They may well be, if you reframe your time with her as a challenge - a challenge to be more mindful, less judgmental, or more compassionate.  After all, you get to choose whether to react to the negativity this person spews.  Her negativity need not be yours.  Working on your own reactions in a mindful way may even remove some of the fuel that keeps this person's negativity flaming.  But even if it doesn't, you still come out ahead.  You'll have further developed your skill in mindfulness. 

Ridding our days of needless negativity, either our own or dealing with negative people in our lives better, is a great place to start in improving our positivity ratios.  Yet it's not the whole story.  We are always going to have at least some negativity.  That's life.  To provide a healthy counterweight to it, you also need to learn how to lift your heartfelt positivity.  This reminds me of a story I recently read which I feel is a fitting end to today's blog...

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.  He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.  One is Evil.  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.  The other is Good.  It is joy, peace, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about this for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which one wins?" 

The old Cherokee simply replied "The one you feed."


I really love that short story! 


Have a wonderful weekend, everyone.
Cheers!


Linda 

Holiday De-Stress Tips

"As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December's bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives that are worth our aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same."...Donald E. Westlake

As much as I love Christmas, I do, like many, find this time of year a little stressful.  I know "T'is the season to be jolly", but sometimes it is easier said than done.  If you think about it, we all say throughout the year how tired and wired we are just coping with our regular day-to-day business, now suddenly we are to manage decorating, wrapping, cleaning, baking, cooking, travelling, parties, etc. etc. all on top of our regular load.  The crowds and holiday shopping alone can be a nightmare (especially taking our kids with us!).  In addition, it's that time of year when we're feeling a little run down with colds or just plain tired from getting a little less sleep each night.  And oh the snow...so far, fortunately, we've (in Ontario) been spared the good old dumping that predictably arrives just in time for an official "white Christmas", but I know that's not the case in so many other locations.  I like snow, but I share your pain in shovelling it when we've got so many other things to plan and do.  I wish snow could just sit and glisten prettily on tree branches and melt when it reaches ground!

Lastly, I would not want to forget that all the extra socializing, for many of us, can also add to our stress metre.  This time of year we are often forced to make merry in many new and different situations with people we either hardly know or we'd rather not know!  With our energy banks already low, this wonderfully cheery time of year could turn into a disaster if we are not proactive in managing our stress levels.

So how can we stay grounded and present and truly let ourselves feel the holiday spirit?  How do we survive the added pressures and still remain positive, happy and in good cheer throughout the holidays?  Over the years, I've read the usual stuff, remember to eat properly, sleep, exercise, pace ourselves, take breaks, limit spending and avoid drinking too much.  While that's still good advice, I thought this year, I would include more of the positive psychology that I truly believe in and write about on my blog.  As I'm learning more about the value of accessing positive emotions each day, I'm going to include this into my Christmas routine to reduce or limit the effects of stress overload.  This includes: practicing gratitude (don't take good fortune for granted), watching a funny movie (laughter), write out five good things that happen each day, engage in activities that give me pleasure, talk and make plans to visit friends, playing and having fun with my kids, practice generosity, read an inspiring book, random acts of kindness, practicing meditation to name a few. 

I've also found this exercise to help me relax into gratitude, my own strengths and my highest values this season.  This positive intervention has so far been both fun and helpful and I hope you give it a try too:

1.  Shop for a Holiday notebook - pick out a design that pleases you, something that you will want to use and feel comfortable using it.  It does not have to be fancy or expensive.  When waiting in line to pay, practice simple breathing exercises, for example -- inhale on a count of five, then exhale on a count of eight.

2.  In your new notebook, write down the best holiday experience you ever had in a few lines or paragraphs.  Then close the book and spend about fifteen minutes mulling over that positive experience while you do something else.

3.  Come back and write down ten short phrases that sum up why that "best holiday" was the best.  Here are some examples from people who have done this "all my kids were there", "no deadlines", "didn't have to cook", "biggest Christmas tree ever", "had all the shopping done early"

4.  Describe that best holiday to someone you trust.  Share the ten phrases and talk over what made it good.  When you put an experience into spoken words, you are making it more clear to yourself.  Chances are, even if you didn't realize it, your best holiday was one in which you were using your strengths, meaning character strengths and gifts that are particular to you.  The best holiday scenario most likely did not result in becoming over challenged by having to do many things outside your inventory of strengths.

5.  Tell your companion what you liked best about yourself in the "Best Holiday" scenario.  Make a pact with your companion that you will give up one thing that you do at the holidays that you hate doing.  Write down what that thing is.  It may be something that you think you should do, but does not fit with your "signature strengths".  Then look over your ten phrases, choose one of them and promise to do some version of that thing again this season.  Invite your companion to share a "best holiday" story as well.

When the holidays are over - be sure to write in your book what worked well this year and if there is anything, what you'd never want to do again.  Store your book in a safe place to use for next year!

Above all, I feel the most important thing to remember is that genuine happiness is about how we feel on the inside.  We can keep ourselves in a healthy state of mind not through the fleeting pleasure of tasting fine food, wine or receiving the latest gadget, but by making a conscious decision to enjoy the holidays as much as we can, by savouring those thoughtful, sentimental moments, and in knowing that this happiness is contagious, your close family and friends will be happy too when they see your glow.  We all benefit when we can awaken the joy within us!

Here is another Christmas video to get you all warm and fuzzy for the holidays, enjoy!

Cheers!
Linda

The Holiday Spirit Of Giving

"Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the hearts of family and friends, that would be giving as the angels give." 

This week I was out shopping and found myself inside Hallmark looking for wrapping paper, bows, ribbons and a get well card.  A few feet away I saw boxes of beautiful old English style Christmas cards and it brought me way back to my childhood memories, when mailing out our cards was an important and special part of the holiday tradition.

Sadly, I don't think I've "mailed" a card out in years to anyone!  In the store, I could feel the sadness and guilt setting in, so I made a decision to return to this tradition and just that thought restored my cheer and enthusiasm of the holidays.  These simple, yet sentimental activities really do bring about enormous pleasure once you get started!

I have been trying much harder this Christmas to teach my children about the true spirit of giving.  At my daughter's school, they are busily collecting food items to donate to those families who are less fortunate than our own.  She originally said that she had to bring in just three items to receive a free ticket for the dance.  I questioned her with the idea of not stopping at three, after all the food drive is not about the dance, it's about helping to feed the hungry, and how can we ever demonstrate and feel compassion towards others if we don't take the time to stop and think about whole situation.  We do not know what it feels like to be hungry.  After thinking about it from that perspective, she has wanted and asked to bring food in every day, she's brought in over fifty items so far and has set a positive example to the rest of her class.  She is encouraging others to follow the same and I couldn't be more proud of her!

The next thing we'll be doing in honour of the gift-giving spirit, is visiting a toy store and purchasing a toy to donate to a local charity drive.  The only purchase from the store will be the donated gift (we will not shop for ourselves at the same time!), which I will let my daughter pick out.  Then we will drop it off together.

I'm hoping my daughter, and son too though it's harder for him to understand, will realize that Christmas has many important messages and meanings, but we must try hard to remember the true spirit of giving at this time of year.  We must feel the gratitude for what we have and never forget those less fortunate who depend on our compassion and help at Christmas and all throughout the year.  We should keep everyone in our thoughts and prayers at Christmas.

My video for today is one of my favourite Christmas tunes to get us all in that cozy spirited mood for "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"...

  

And thank you all for your movie suggestions and supporting the idea...I think I'll do a couple leading up to Christmas.  Look for them week December 26-30th!

Cheers!
Linda