How Resilient Are You?

"What is to give light must endure burning."...Victor Frankl

Unfortunately, bad things happen to all of us.  When they do, many of us crumble or grumble, but others quickly bounce right back to face the world again, often even stronger than before.  Have you ever wondered what makes the difference?

Everyone needs resilience, because one thing is certain, life includes adversities.  But if you increase your resilience, you can overcome most of what life puts in your way.  Can you boost your resilience?  Absolutely.  It's all about the way you think about adversity.

I'm currently reading "The Resiliency Factor" by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte.  Karen Reivich recounted that when she first began to study the topic of resilience she was convinced that people were either born resilient or not.  However as she and her co-researchers became more involved in the topic they realized that "resilient people had the ability to stay resilient."  From their research they identified a number of abilities that resilient people are strong in, and focused on seven abilities which she says are "learnable and changeable skills".  While all of them are important, Reivich argues that Optimism is the most important.  She sees it as a "motivator", it's what keeps people going with faith and hope.

Here are (briefly) the seven learnable skills of resilience:

1.  Emotion awareness and regulation:  this is primarily the ability to identify what you are feeling and the ability to control your feelings.

2.  Impulse control:  Highly resilient people are able to tolerate ambiguity so they don't rush to make decisions.  They sit back and look at things in a thoughtful way before acting.

3.  Optimism:  This means having an optimistic "explanatory style", however it is "realistic optimism" that is important, not pie in the sky optimism.  People who are blindly optimistic who, for example, stick their heads in the sand, do not have a brand of optimism which facilitates problem solving, in fact, it interferes with it.  So for optimism to help with resilience, it needs to be "wed to reality".

4.  Causal analysis:  This means the ability to think comprehensively to problems you confront.  Folks who score high in resilience are able to look at problems from many perspectives and consider many factors.

5.  Empathy:  People who score high on emotional awareness and understand their own emotions, tend to also score high on empathy - the ability to read and understand the emotions of others.  This is important for resilience for two reasons:  first, it helps build strong relationships with others and then this gives social support.

6.  Self-efficacy:  This is confidence in your ability to solve problems.  This is partly knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are and relying on your strengths to cope.  Reivich stresses that this is different from "self esteem".  In other words, this is not just about feeling good about yourself, it is what she calls a "skills based mastery based notion of coping."

7.  Reaching out:  By this, Reivich means being prepared to take appropriate risk.  People who score high on resilience are willing to try things and believe that failing is a part of life.

Reivich stresses that this is not an exhaustive list, and that you don't need to score high on each of those seven to be given the "stamp of resilience".  Indeed she argues that to increase resiliency, people simply need to consider which of the factors on this list they are strong on and play to these strengths as much as they can.

She also argues that the importance of empathy on this list is at odds with what people often think about resilient individuals.  Reivich argues "contrary to some of the myths around resilience, resilient people don't go it alone, when bad stuff happens, they reach out to people who care about them and they ask for help."  Empathy is vital as it "is the glue that keeps social relationships together."  I really took this section to heart.  I think it is important to know that in our relationships, will all have different strengths and weaknesses.  If we see someone in our life with difficult circumstances, just because they are not reaching out for help does not mean "everything must be okay."  That person may not have as well developed resilience (or natural resilience) as you do.  I believe relationships are built by reciprocating empathy as well as compassion to one another.

Some individuals are naturally inclined to such behaviours and attitudes.  Everything on this list can be increased by individuals if they put their minds to it and embark on the necessary training or change programs.

As far as "self-help" books go, this one so far has been the best one for me in developing resilience.  And in this time of my life, with my variety of challenges (and perhaps yours too), it's just the right one for me to teach these important skills. 

My video today is the new Maxwell house commercial featuring the cutest girl expressing positive affirmations.  It's too cute.  I always smile when I see this one!! Enjoy!

Have a great week, everyone!

Cheers,
Linda

With Only Myself I Compare

"Winners compare their achievements with their goals,  while losers compare their achievements with those of other people."...Nido Quebein 

I think that becoming a happier person is not so much about changing our external circumstances as it is about changing our thinking.  We can pile up tons of external positive stuff in our life but if our internals are messed up, then our life won't become that much better or happier.

Is it possible to make ourselves feel miserable when our thoughts are not in the right place?  Absolutely.  And one negative thought habit we should all reduce (or ditch altogether) is comparing everything we do to the lives and accomplishments of other people.

Take for example buying a new car.  You've earned a pay raise and have saved up for a few months, then shopped around until you found a car you are very satisfied with and that feels awesome for a while.  Then you are invited to your friend's home and you see she has also just bought a new car, one more expensive and luxurious than your own.  How would that make you feel?  Suddenly everyone around you seems to be driving a better car than you and you stop feeling good and proud of your own purchase.  This same example can be applied to so many other areas of our life:  our home, our income, our occupation, our investments, our bank balances, our debt, our vacation, what we wear, the list could go on forever.

If you took the strengths of others and compared them to your weaknesses, how do you think you'd measure up?  Sadly we do this all too often, and it sure doesn't make us feel good.  Even if we compare strength to strength, there will always be those with more and those with less.  Where you are in the ladder of accomplishments or purchases has nothing to do with what you want to do.  Even if you do well in comparison with others, you may be artificially inflated from this comparison.  It's a short lived boost of ego if you win the comparison, easily knocked down.  You may eventually end up resenting others for their accomplishments, without really knowing the true person.

I think a great New Year's Resolution (if it's not too late for those) we could all profit from is to stop trying to be someone we're not.  One of the greatest challenges in life is to just be yourself in a world that's trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, smarter, or younger but they will never be you.  Don't change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the "real" you.

So how can we break the very negative habit of comparing ourselves with others? A more useful way of thinking is to compare yourself to yourself.  Appreciate the progress you have made.  Take a closer look at the areas you aren't improving as much as you'd like and try to figure out why.  Then make a plan for how you can improve on those areas of your life.

Once you become more aware of this habit, you can try to stop and change the thought.  If comparative thoughts come into your mind, give yourself a pause.  Don't berate yourself or feel bad, just acknowledge the thought and gently change focus.  When we compare ourselves with someone we think is doing better than we do, sometimes we get discouraged.  Is it possible to become inspired instead?  Can you think of a time when you made the choice to be inspired?  At the opposite, when we compare ourselves with someone we think is doing worse that we do, do you sometimes feel encouraged by that?  Is it possible to think of charity instead?  The main value of looking at your friend's plate is to ensure she has enough to eat.  If she does, wish her well and go on focusing on your own goals and life.  If she doesn't, then share your food with her and it will enrich both of you.  Can you think of a time when you shared your good fortune with a friend?

It is key to know your own strengths and focus on your own journey.  Feel grateful for what you have and feel blessed to have the journey.  Life is not a competition and you will be miserable if you believe it is or desire for it to become one.  Enjoy your friend's successes and let the light that shines on them reflect on you.  Let they inspire you to do great things in your own unique way.

"Be miserable.  Or motivate yourself.  Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."...Wayne Dyer.

Have a terrific week everyone and
Be well,

Linda

Love, A Many-Splendored Thing

"Feeling joy in the pleasures of life, as depicted here in Marc Chagall's Festival in the Village, offers rewards beyond those of simply experiencing the moment.  There are benefits to personal health, development and longevity as well as evolutionary reasons why human beings experience positive emotions."...Barbara L. Fredrickson

There is a reason love is called a many-splendored thing.  According to world renowned researcher, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, in her book "Positivity", love is not a single kind of positivity.  It encompasses all others, including joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, and awe.  What transforms these other forms of positivity into love is their context.  When these good feelings stir our hearts within a safe, often close relationship, we call it love. 

According to Fredrickson and Branigan (2001), not only does love trigger these positive emotions, it also "broadens the momentary thought-action repertoire as people explore, savour, and play with the people they love.  Love as a positive emotion builds and solidifies our social resources."

In the early stages of a relationship, tied up with your initial attraction, you're deeply interested in anything and everything this new person says and does.  You share amusement and laugh together.  As your relationship builds and perhaps surpasses your expectations, it brings great joy.  You begin to share your hopes and dreams for your future together.  As the relationship becomes more solid, you sink back into the cozy serenity that comes with the security of mutual love.  You're grateful for the joys your beloved brings into your life, as proud of their achievements as you are of your own, inspired by their good qualities, and perhaps in awe of the forces of the universe that brought you together.

Each of these moments could equally be described as love.  So even though love is the most common flavour of positivity that people feel, we can appreciate that it has many facets.  Viewing love in this way, we can also sharpen our ability to see love as a momentary state - a surge - and not simply as a description of one of our relationships, be it with our spouse, child, parent, or sibling.  All kinds of love can bring us positive emotions.  These intimate relationships might best be viewed as the products of recurrent surges of love. 

In her book, the above describes the circumstances and patterns of thought that spark love.  The beauty of love, or other emotions, is that they are highly individualized, depending on your inner interpretations than on your outer circumstances.  As you think about love, simply ask yourself:  When was the last time I felt this feeling?  Where was I? What was I doing? What else gives me this feeling?  Can I think of still more triggers?  What can I do now to cultivate this feeling?  Focus more on the "levers" that can turn on the feeling that flows through you than on the label "love" itself.

Think of a time when you felt love surge within you.

I am doing the same right now at this very moment, with my own unique lever.

Making small changes in the ways we appreciate and frame the events of our day can turn positivity on.  And each type of positivity, including and especially love, holds the ability to broaden and build our lives.

Here is Barbara Fredrickson describing the different forms of positive emotions:

Keeping track of our positivity ratio (positive emotions to negative emotions, goal being 3:1) is making a lifestyle change, similar to keeping track of our diet or finances.  The benefit is that it allows us to become more mindful of how different events and activities in our day trigger emotions in us, both positive and negative.  But the rewards are there and it's well worth the effort.  Knowing what our emotions are like today will help us meet our goals of flourishing and being happy long term.  Positive emotions today will impact our lives down the road. 


Cheers and
Be well,

Linda

Give Yourself A Break

"I see a man taking a break in his highly structured life, reading a newspaper in the park, or a young woman sitting on a curb eating a sandwich, reading a book and taking a moment for herself.  I celebrate these moments in bronze."...J. Steward Johnson Jr.

While my mom is cooped up with little to do and in discomfort from her recently fractured shoulder, she is entertaining herself with the television during her recovery.  Early this morning, I could her the tv theme from "Cheers" in the background.  It made me smile.  It took me way back to my years well before the "sandwich generation" arrived.  I only had "me" to care for, I could manage my career, and manage my life without distraction.  Dare I say, "those were the good old days".  No, I don't believe that.  But I will readily admit that it was far easier then to take care of myself and give myself a break whenever I wanted one.  Back then, I took all that free time for granted.  Now I understand the importance of free time as a precious commodity.  Now, each day I find creative ways to get to that free time and savour it when I do. 



That tune always makes me feel good.  Getting together with friends who really know you well is always wonderful.  Cherish those times.  I'm seeing a good friend for a movie on Sunday and the timing couldn't be more perfect.  I like just being me, and that's something easy to be with a friend.  That doesn't mean I dislike being mom and daughter.  I love those too, more than anything.  But, taking a break for yourself is fun, joyful and good for your health.  So, take breaks often.  Don't wait until you're at a breaking point, where your break is to escape your problems.  That's like skipping meals and eating when you're starving.  It's bad for your health, and may cause indigestion in others around you as well.  You don't want to reach a crisis level to realize that "I never take a break". 

Depending on your circumstances, getting out with just your spouse or friends, though pleasurable, may not be possible as often as we'd like or need.  It's never a good idea to only plan for that "perfect" break, rather, take breaks for yourself in simple ways every day.  Just knowing you have one small routine that makes you happy each day can boost your mood.  Enjoy a good book while you eat your lunch.  Or go for a brisk walk while listening to your favourite music.  You know the simple things that bring you joy, so make them available to yourself each day.  When you do settle back, be sure not to negate the positive effects of the break by feeling guilty and anxiously spend your time updating your mental to-do list.  You would be surprised what just taking an hour a day for yourself will do for your happiness and well being.  Your improvements in overall well-being will improve the lives of those you regularly interact as well.

Lastly, make sure you take the time each day to remember at least one thing that made you happy.  At Christmas, my favourite gift was my five year, one-sentence happiness journal, by Gretchen Rubin.  I love it!  It's amazing how pleasurable it is to remember something good about your day and to record that thought in a beautiful book as a keepsake.  That calculates to over fifteen hundred happy memories to keep and share, for under $20.00.  Good things do not have to come with expensive price tags!

I would recommend this book to all my readers, in fact buy two - one for yourself and one as a gift for someone you love.  Someone you are grateful to have in your life!

Enjoy your day and remember it well!

Cheers!
Linda