"What is to give light must endure burning."...Victor Frankl
Unfortunately, bad things happen to all of us. When they do, many of us crumble or grumble, but others quickly bounce right back to face the world again, often even stronger than before. Have you ever wondered what makes the difference?
Everyone needs resilience, because one thing is certain, life includes adversities. But if you increase your resilience, you can overcome most of what life puts in your way. Can you boost your resilience? Absolutely. It's all about the way you think about adversity.
I'm currently reading "The Resiliency Factor" by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte. Karen Reivich recounted that when she first began to study the topic of resilience she was convinced that people were either born resilient or not. However as she and her co-researchers became more involved in the topic they realized that "resilient people had the ability to stay resilient." From their research they identified a number of abilities that resilient people are strong in, and focused on seven abilities which she says are "learnable and changeable skills". While all of them are important, Reivich argues that Optimism is the most important. She sees it as a "motivator", it's what keeps people going with faith and hope.
Here are (briefly) the seven learnable skills of resilience:
1. Emotion awareness and regulation: this is primarily the ability to identify what you are feeling and the ability to control your feelings.
2. Impulse control: Highly resilient people are able to tolerate ambiguity so they don't rush to make decisions. They sit back and look at things in a thoughtful way before acting.
3. Optimism: This means having an optimistic "explanatory style", however it is "realistic optimism" that is important, not pie in the sky optimism. People who are blindly optimistic who, for example, stick their heads in the sand, do not have a brand of optimism which facilitates problem solving, in fact, it interferes with it. So for optimism to help with resilience, it needs to be "wed to reality".
4. Causal analysis: This means the ability to think comprehensively to problems you confront. Folks who score high in resilience are able to look at problems from many perspectives and consider many factors.
5. Empathy: People who score high on emotional awareness and understand their own emotions, tend to also score high on empathy - the ability to read and understand the emotions of others. This is important for resilience for two reasons: first, it helps build strong relationships with others and then this gives social support.
6. Self-efficacy: This is confidence in your ability to solve problems. This is partly knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are and relying on your strengths to cope. Reivich stresses that this is different from "self esteem". In other words, this is not just about feeling good about yourself, it is what she calls a "skills based mastery based notion of coping."
7. Reaching out: By this, Reivich means being prepared to take appropriate risk. People who score high on resilience are willing to try things and believe that failing is a part of life.
Reivich stresses that this is not an exhaustive list, and that you don't need to score high on each of those seven to be given the "stamp of resilience". Indeed she argues that to increase resiliency, people simply need to consider which of the factors on this list they are strong on and play to these strengths as much as they can.
She also argues that the importance of empathy on this list is at odds with what people often think about resilient individuals. Reivich argues "contrary to some of the myths around resilience, resilient people don't go it alone, when bad stuff happens, they reach out to people who care about them and they ask for help." Empathy is vital as it "is the glue that keeps social relationships together." I really took this section to heart. I think it is important to know that in our relationships, will all have different strengths and weaknesses. If we see someone in our life with difficult circumstances, just because they are not reaching out for help does not mean "everything must be okay." That person may not have as well developed resilience (or natural resilience) as you do. I believe relationships are built by reciprocating empathy as well as compassion to one another.
Some individuals are naturally inclined to such behaviours and attitudes. Everything on this list can be increased by individuals if they put their minds to it and embark on the necessary training or change programs.
As far as "self-help" books go, this one so far has been the best one for me in developing resilience. And in this time of my life, with my variety of challenges (and perhaps yours too), it's just the right one for me to teach these important skills.
My video today is the new Maxwell house commercial featuring the cutest girl expressing positive affirmations. It's too cute. I always smile when I see this one!! Enjoy!
Have a great week, everyone!
Cheers,
Linda
I'm currently reading "The Resiliency Factor" by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte. Karen Reivich recounted that when she first began to study the topic of resilience she was convinced that people were either born resilient or not. However as she and her co-researchers became more involved in the topic they realized that "resilient people had the ability to stay resilient." From their research they identified a number of abilities that resilient people are strong in, and focused on seven abilities which she says are "learnable and changeable skills". While all of them are important, Reivich argues that Optimism is the most important. She sees it as a "motivator", it's what keeps people going with faith and hope.
Here are (briefly) the seven learnable skills of resilience:
1. Emotion awareness and regulation: this is primarily the ability to identify what you are feeling and the ability to control your feelings.
2. Impulse control: Highly resilient people are able to tolerate ambiguity so they don't rush to make decisions. They sit back and look at things in a thoughtful way before acting.
3. Optimism: This means having an optimistic "explanatory style", however it is "realistic optimism" that is important, not pie in the sky optimism. People who are blindly optimistic who, for example, stick their heads in the sand, do not have a brand of optimism which facilitates problem solving, in fact, it interferes with it. So for optimism to help with resilience, it needs to be "wed to reality".
4. Causal analysis: This means the ability to think comprehensively to problems you confront. Folks who score high in resilience are able to look at problems from many perspectives and consider many factors.
5. Empathy: People who score high on emotional awareness and understand their own emotions, tend to also score high on empathy - the ability to read and understand the emotions of others. This is important for resilience for two reasons: first, it helps build strong relationships with others and then this gives social support.
6. Self-efficacy: This is confidence in your ability to solve problems. This is partly knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are and relying on your strengths to cope. Reivich stresses that this is different from "self esteem". In other words, this is not just about feeling good about yourself, it is what she calls a "skills based mastery based notion of coping."
7. Reaching out: By this, Reivich means being prepared to take appropriate risk. People who score high on resilience are willing to try things and believe that failing is a part of life.
Reivich stresses that this is not an exhaustive list, and that you don't need to score high on each of those seven to be given the "stamp of resilience". Indeed she argues that to increase resiliency, people simply need to consider which of the factors on this list they are strong on and play to these strengths as much as they can.
She also argues that the importance of empathy on this list is at odds with what people often think about resilient individuals. Reivich argues "contrary to some of the myths around resilience, resilient people don't go it alone, when bad stuff happens, they reach out to people who care about them and they ask for help." Empathy is vital as it "is the glue that keeps social relationships together." I really took this section to heart. I think it is important to know that in our relationships, will all have different strengths and weaknesses. If we see someone in our life with difficult circumstances, just because they are not reaching out for help does not mean "everything must be okay." That person may not have as well developed resilience (or natural resilience) as you do. I believe relationships are built by reciprocating empathy as well as compassion to one another.
Some individuals are naturally inclined to such behaviours and attitudes. Everything on this list can be increased by individuals if they put their minds to it and embark on the necessary training or change programs.
As far as "self-help" books go, this one so far has been the best one for me in developing resilience. And in this time of my life, with my variety of challenges (and perhaps yours too), it's just the right one for me to teach these important skills.
My video today is the new Maxwell house commercial featuring the cutest girl expressing positive affirmations. It's too cute. I always smile when I see this one!! Enjoy!
Have a great week, everyone!
Cheers,
Linda
11 comments:
Hi Linda - it is good to hear from you (on your blog).
I think you have recommended a very useful book and have summarized it well for us. I don't know where or how you always find just the right book.
Resilience is for everyone, especially those in the sandwich gen and caring for those with special needs.
Margaret
Hi Linda,
Did reading this book make you more resilient, because you seemed to be resilient before? How did it help you?
Deb
(I usually like your book recommendations!)
This was really good. What other books do you find helpful in being happier, and coping well with life's challenges? You may have mentioned them before..sorry!
Terez
Oh that would be great, Linda if you could reply to Terez...thank you!
Deb
I'd like that too (books)
This was a very helpful blog. I don't think people understand resiliency, that it's something that can be learned. Can it be learned during times when things are going well?
K
Good morning,
I added a video to this post today. It's a new commercial that always makes me feel happy when I see it - hope it brings you the same feelings.
As for your questions about books, well first - you all know that "The Happiness Project", by Gretchen Rubin is a favourite of mine. In the area of Positive Psychology as a whole package, I've read "authentic happiness" by Martin Seligman and I'm currently reading his more recent book "Flourish", both are excellent books to learn about one's individual strengths/virtues and how to use them well to increase happiness/well being and live a more satisfying life.
I love the book "Positivity" by leading researcher in positive emotions, Barbara Fredrickson, and "Every Day A Friday", by pastor Joel Osteen for its faith and motivational value.
Gretchen Rubin has a new book coming out soon called "Happy at Home", that I'm excited about reading.
Linda
Hi Linda,
This was a very interesting post. Resilience is something we all need for sure.
If it's not too much trouble, could explain a little more what "emotion regulation" is
Thank you Linda
Josie
Hi Josie,
From what I've read (keep in mind that I'm not an expert!), my general understanding of "emotional regulation" is being in charge of our emotions, being able to stay calm under pressure. When we get mad or upset, our emotions can be overwhelming and can affect our whole day. When we're in charge of our emotions we can calm down and clear our heads enough so that we don't "stay" overwhelmed. This doesn't mean we cut off negative emotions or keep our emotions inside, as I've written before, expressing both negative and positive emotions are healthy and constructive. Being in charge of our emotions is about calming down enough so that we express our emotions in ways that will "help" our situation.
This skill is very important to resilience as when we can be in control of our emotions, it affects the way we interact with others, the way we solve problems and even the way we view the world.
Hope this brief description helps you, Josie,
Linda
thank you Linda!
Josie
Hi Deb,
Your question about my resilience and how this new book has helped me is a little difficult to answer, but I'll try.
I have only just recently (last 2ears) even thought about reslience as something I could learn. At the times when I needed these tools most, I did not have them. I went through infertility, loss of a job, loss of parent, loss of many dreams for my son and his future due to autism, without any coping skills whatsoever. I, like most people, just tried to pick myself up through challenging times as best as I could until eventually I moved forward again. Unfortunately, I didn't exactly "bounce back" because I did not have supplies of resilience in me. Did those challenges and experiences alone strengthen my character? Absolutely. But I think reading this book as well as others has given me confidence that should I have more major setbacks in my future that blows me off course, I will have better, easier and faster ways to move forward.
But what I also now know about resilience is that it's used not only during those "unexpected" challenges where we're usually unprepared, but can be used to "steer through" the everyday adversities that befall us - arguments with friends, family, disagreement with the boss or child's teacher, or even an unxpected expense. Life is rich in stress and hassles, but if you're resilient you will not let the daily tribulations of life interfere with your productivity and well-being. I have really seen gains in my day-to-day handling of life (in the sandwich gen with autism).
You can also use resilience to "reach out" so that you can achieve all your are capable of.
So resilience has many uses and this book (that I'm still not yet finished!) is a good one to teach those 7 skills that I mentioned in the blog, and practice them in your day-to-day life. It is with this practice that you will become more a more resilient person and improve your capacity to handle life's inevitable surprises and setbacks.
I hope this helps you a little, Deb.
Linda
Hi Linda,
Thank you so much. I will check out this book. What you wrote was very thoughtful and considerate.
Deb
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