The Greatest Love Of All

"In family life, love is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds closer together, and the music that brings harmony."...Eva Burrows

Happy Valentine's Day, to my family, the best in the world.  I love you all soooo much!!  You're my greatest love of all!

I love Valentine's Day.  It's that special day where we can express to our loved ones how much they mean to us.  Yes, it's true that we shouldn't wait until one day rolls around to do this.  Love is definitely the most powerful of positive emotions and that power should be put to use every day of the year.  I believe in that.  But, that doesn't mean I'm not sentimental at heart and I do indeed love making an "extra special" day once in a while!

Our money is a little tight this Valentine's Day (I know, join the club!), so I didn't go crazy spending too much.  For my regular readers, you all know that I often talk about the best things in life being free anyway.  And simple, thoughtful gifts are the ones I most often gravitate towards.  I'll let you in on a secret...my family, myself included are each getting a much needed new pillow on their bed today, wrapped in a single red bow with a card enclosed.  I think they'll all be pleased!

For the past several years (arrival of kids), I have always told my husband to forget the flowers and candy and instead, we'll use that money to either all go out for dinner, or bring dinner home and we'll all watch a movie together.  The best Valentine's gift for me is an evening of not having to cook!  And of course I definitely do not need the chocolates if I want to keep my diet (New Year's Resolution) on track.  I'm having enough trouble as it is!

The above reminds me of a very funny recent episode of Family Feud.  During "fast money", the question was "Name an occasion where you might be tempted to cheat on your diet?"  We were all shouting out our answers "Valentine's Day", "Christmas" etc.  and the poor guy couldn't come up with an answer and time was wasting..he finally said "errrr.. when you want to eat something!"  Now, that's my kind of occasion!   We could not stop laughing at that answer!  As I say, it's the best medicine ever!

While it's true that I'm now more into "family Valentine's day" over the more romantic type, that doesn't mean I don't think about my special times with my husband from years ago.  I miss them too.  My husband every year, without fail, would send beautiful roses to my office.  Here's a picture:

Ahhhh what a sweetheart!

I hope whatever all of you have planned for this evening, whether it be with your spouse, your partner, your children or anyone else who's special to you, make a memory that you will cherish throughout your life.  Write it down in your journal how special the day was for you.  You will one day look back on the memories you make today, and they will warm your heart in your future.

My video for today is the song "Greatest Love of All", my favourite by the late (so tragic) Whitney Houston.  She sang this at the Grammy's 25 years ago.  She was a very special part of my history and I feel like a part of my life has died with her.  Her music was beautiful as well as inspirational.  Whitney, your music will live on in our hearts forever.  God bless you and rest in peace.

The lyrics of this song are so touching.  I just love it so much.

Have a wonderful Valentine's Day everyone!!

Linda

Keep Your Year On Track

"Never to wrong others takes one a long way towards peace of mind."..Seneca

I cannot believe it is February already.  Our groundhog last week predicted an early spring.  Hurray for that!  I do know however that is not the case for everyone around the world.  But I think we can all say at least we're over the winter "hump".

So, how's your year going so far?  If you're like me, you too have been faced with some unexpected hurdles.  Are your goals, or resolutions for the year staying on track?  I hope all of you are doing great, but it is good from time to time to review how things are going and have a look at how you can make the rest of your year even better.

I'd like to share four valuable questions that you can ask yourself all the time to keep yourself on track towards a better life.  Perhaps they are new to you or maybe they are just healthy reminders that can help you to focus your mind and actions once again.

Q.1  How can I give value to this situation?

This is a great way to improve your relationships and interactions.  Four awesome reasons to give value in your everyday life are: 1) it makes you feel awesome, 2) you tend to get what you give, 3) it makes your life a whole lot more fun and 4) it makes it easier to start new relationships or improve old ones.
What value can you give in a situation to another person?  Well, a bunch of suggestions would be:  bringing a positive attitude to situations, being kind, helping out in a practical way, lending a listening ear, cheering someone up, offering useful advice or creating a fun/exciting situation for people in your life.

Q.2 - Would I rather be right or be happy?

Right in this question means the need to judge, the need to be right while interacting with other people.  It's not just about the gal who can't be wrong in a discussion though.
It's about the thought that you don't always have to be against people or things.  You don't have to exist in a "me against the world" or "me against someone" head space.  You don't have to defend positions all the time or build walls.  You can let go of the mentality that says "someday I'll show them all!".  You can just relax, be cool and be with people instead of being against them in some subtle or not so subtle ways.
Feeling like you are right can bring some pleasure.  But beyond that there is a lot more connection, happiness and positivity to be found.  I like this question when I feel like I have to be right or judge.  Or when I just have a feeling within that I should just re-examine my current beliefs to move forward.  I often find something helpful by doing so.

Q.3 - What is the most important thing I can do right now?

If you are lost in what to do next in your day, week or life, ask yourself this question.  The answer may not always be what you want to hear because the most important thing is often one of the harder things you want to do too.  But it can help you to check your priorities and stop you from getting lost in busy work and instead start tackling the really big stuff that will improve your life in any area in the long run.

Q.4 - What do I think is the right thing to do?
 
One of the hardest things to do in life is the right thing.  What "you" think is the right thing, not what your friends, family, teachers, boss, and society think is the right thing.
What is the right thing?  That's up to you to decide.  Often you have a little voice inside your head that tells you what the right thing is, or a gut feeling.
Here are three reasons to do the right thing:
1)  You tend to get what you give.  I already mentioned this as a reason to give value.  By doing the right thing, you tend to get the same things back.  Give value to people, help them and they will often want to help you and give you value in some form.  Unfortunately, not everyone will do it, but many will, not always right away, but somewhere down the line.  Things tend to even out.  Do the right thing, put in the extra effort, and you tend to get good stuff back.  Don't do it, and you tend to get less good stuff back from the world.
2)  To raise your self esteem.  This is a really important point.  When you don't do the right thing, you are not only sending out signals out into your world, you are also sending signals to yourself.  When you don't do the right thing, you don't feel good about yourself.  You may experience emptiness or get stuck in negative thought loops.  It's like you are letting yourself down.  You are telling yourself that you can't handle doing the right thing.  To not do the right thing, it's like punching yourself in the stomach.
3)  To avoid self sabotage.  A powerful side effect of not doing the right thing is that you give yourself a lack of deservedness.  This can really mess you up and your success.  If you don't do the right thing in life, then you won't feel like you deserve the success that you may be on your way towards or experiencing right now.  So you start to self sabotage, perhaps deliberately or through unconscious thoughts.  By doing the right thing, you can raise your self esteem and feel like a person who deserves her success.

I hope these questions will help you continue to make this year your best one yet.

My video today is the theme from "Friends".  The words mean a lot and can be applied not just to your friends, but extend to family, colleagues and people in your community.

Have a great week everyone!
Cheers!
Linda

How Resilient Are You?

"What is to give light must endure burning."...Victor Frankl

Unfortunately, bad things happen to all of us.  When they do, many of us crumble or grumble, but others quickly bounce right back to face the world again, often even stronger than before.  Have you ever wondered what makes the difference?

Everyone needs resilience, because one thing is certain, life includes adversities.  But if you increase your resilience, you can overcome most of what life puts in your way.  Can you boost your resilience?  Absolutely.  It's all about the way you think about adversity.

I'm currently reading "The Resiliency Factor" by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte.  Karen Reivich recounted that when she first began to study the topic of resilience she was convinced that people were either born resilient or not.  However as she and her co-researchers became more involved in the topic they realized that "resilient people had the ability to stay resilient."  From their research they identified a number of abilities that resilient people are strong in, and focused on seven abilities which she says are "learnable and changeable skills".  While all of them are important, Reivich argues that Optimism is the most important.  She sees it as a "motivator", it's what keeps people going with faith and hope.

Here are (briefly) the seven learnable skills of resilience:

1.  Emotion awareness and regulation:  this is primarily the ability to identify what you are feeling and the ability to control your feelings.

2.  Impulse control:  Highly resilient people are able to tolerate ambiguity so they don't rush to make decisions.  They sit back and look at things in a thoughtful way before acting.

3.  Optimism:  This means having an optimistic "explanatory style", however it is "realistic optimism" that is important, not pie in the sky optimism.  People who are blindly optimistic who, for example, stick their heads in the sand, do not have a brand of optimism which facilitates problem solving, in fact, it interferes with it.  So for optimism to help with resilience, it needs to be "wed to reality".

4.  Causal analysis:  This means the ability to think comprehensively to problems you confront.  Folks who score high in resilience are able to look at problems from many perspectives and consider many factors.

5.  Empathy:  People who score high on emotional awareness and understand their own emotions, tend to also score high on empathy - the ability to read and understand the emotions of others.  This is important for resilience for two reasons:  first, it helps build strong relationships with others and then this gives social support.

6.  Self-efficacy:  This is confidence in your ability to solve problems.  This is partly knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are and relying on your strengths to cope.  Reivich stresses that this is different from "self esteem".  In other words, this is not just about feeling good about yourself, it is what she calls a "skills based mastery based notion of coping."

7.  Reaching out:  By this, Reivich means being prepared to take appropriate risk.  People who score high on resilience are willing to try things and believe that failing is a part of life.

Reivich stresses that this is not an exhaustive list, and that you don't need to score high on each of those seven to be given the "stamp of resilience".  Indeed she argues that to increase resiliency, people simply need to consider which of the factors on this list they are strong on and play to these strengths as much as they can.

She also argues that the importance of empathy on this list is at odds with what people often think about resilient individuals.  Reivich argues "contrary to some of the myths around resilience, resilient people don't go it alone, when bad stuff happens, they reach out to people who care about them and they ask for help."  Empathy is vital as it "is the glue that keeps social relationships together."  I really took this section to heart.  I think it is important to know that in our relationships, will all have different strengths and weaknesses.  If we see someone in our life with difficult circumstances, just because they are not reaching out for help does not mean "everything must be okay."  That person may not have as well developed resilience (or natural resilience) as you do.  I believe relationships are built by reciprocating empathy as well as compassion to one another.

Some individuals are naturally inclined to such behaviours and attitudes.  Everything on this list can be increased by individuals if they put their minds to it and embark on the necessary training or change programs.

As far as "self-help" books go, this one so far has been the best one for me in developing resilience.  And in this time of my life, with my variety of challenges (and perhaps yours too), it's just the right one for me to teach these important skills. 

My video today is the new Maxwell house commercial featuring the cutest girl expressing positive affirmations.  It's too cute.  I always smile when I see this one!! Enjoy!

Have a great week, everyone!

Cheers,
Linda

With Only Myself I Compare

"Winners compare their achievements with their goals,  while losers compare their achievements with those of other people."...Nido Quebein 

I think that becoming a happier person is not so much about changing our external circumstances as it is about changing our thinking.  We can pile up tons of external positive stuff in our life but if our internals are messed up, then our life won't become that much better or happier.

Is it possible to make ourselves feel miserable when our thoughts are not in the right place?  Absolutely.  And one negative thought habit we should all reduce (or ditch altogether) is comparing everything we do to the lives and accomplishments of other people.

Take for example buying a new car.  You've earned a pay raise and have saved up for a few months, then shopped around until you found a car you are very satisfied with and that feels awesome for a while.  Then you are invited to your friend's home and you see she has also just bought a new car, one more expensive and luxurious than your own.  How would that make you feel?  Suddenly everyone around you seems to be driving a better car than you and you stop feeling good and proud of your own purchase.  This same example can be applied to so many other areas of our life:  our home, our income, our occupation, our investments, our bank balances, our debt, our vacation, what we wear, the list could go on forever.

If you took the strengths of others and compared them to your weaknesses, how do you think you'd measure up?  Sadly we do this all too often, and it sure doesn't make us feel good.  Even if we compare strength to strength, there will always be those with more and those with less.  Where you are in the ladder of accomplishments or purchases has nothing to do with what you want to do.  Even if you do well in comparison with others, you may be artificially inflated from this comparison.  It's a short lived boost of ego if you win the comparison, easily knocked down.  You may eventually end up resenting others for their accomplishments, without really knowing the true person.

I think a great New Year's Resolution (if it's not too late for those) we could all profit from is to stop trying to be someone we're not.  One of the greatest challenges in life is to just be yourself in a world that's trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, smarter, or younger but they will never be you.  Don't change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the "real" you.

So how can we break the very negative habit of comparing ourselves with others? A more useful way of thinking is to compare yourself to yourself.  Appreciate the progress you have made.  Take a closer look at the areas you aren't improving as much as you'd like and try to figure out why.  Then make a plan for how you can improve on those areas of your life.

Once you become more aware of this habit, you can try to stop and change the thought.  If comparative thoughts come into your mind, give yourself a pause.  Don't berate yourself or feel bad, just acknowledge the thought and gently change focus.  When we compare ourselves with someone we think is doing better than we do, sometimes we get discouraged.  Is it possible to become inspired instead?  Can you think of a time when you made the choice to be inspired?  At the opposite, when we compare ourselves with someone we think is doing worse that we do, do you sometimes feel encouraged by that?  Is it possible to think of charity instead?  The main value of looking at your friend's plate is to ensure she has enough to eat.  If she does, wish her well and go on focusing on your own goals and life.  If she doesn't, then share your food with her and it will enrich both of you.  Can you think of a time when you shared your good fortune with a friend?

It is key to know your own strengths and focus on your own journey.  Feel grateful for what you have and feel blessed to have the journey.  Life is not a competition and you will be miserable if you believe it is or desire for it to become one.  Enjoy your friend's successes and let the light that shines on them reflect on you.  Let they inspire you to do great things in your own unique way.

"Be miserable.  Or motivate yourself.  Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."...Wayne Dyer.

Have a terrific week everyone and
Be well,

Linda

Love, A Many-Splendored Thing

"Feeling joy in the pleasures of life, as depicted here in Marc Chagall's Festival in the Village, offers rewards beyond those of simply experiencing the moment.  There are benefits to personal health, development and longevity as well as evolutionary reasons why human beings experience positive emotions."...Barbara L. Fredrickson

There is a reason love is called a many-splendored thing.  According to world renowned researcher, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, in her book "Positivity", love is not a single kind of positivity.  It encompasses all others, including joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, and awe.  What transforms these other forms of positivity into love is their context.  When these good feelings stir our hearts within a safe, often close relationship, we call it love. 

According to Fredrickson and Branigan (2001), not only does love trigger these positive emotions, it also "broadens the momentary thought-action repertoire as people explore, savour, and play with the people they love.  Love as a positive emotion builds and solidifies our social resources."

In the early stages of a relationship, tied up with your initial attraction, you're deeply interested in anything and everything this new person says and does.  You share amusement and laugh together.  As your relationship builds and perhaps surpasses your expectations, it brings great joy.  You begin to share your hopes and dreams for your future together.  As the relationship becomes more solid, you sink back into the cozy serenity that comes with the security of mutual love.  You're grateful for the joys your beloved brings into your life, as proud of their achievements as you are of your own, inspired by their good qualities, and perhaps in awe of the forces of the universe that brought you together.

Each of these moments could equally be described as love.  So even though love is the most common flavour of positivity that people feel, we can appreciate that it has many facets.  Viewing love in this way, we can also sharpen our ability to see love as a momentary state - a surge - and not simply as a description of one of our relationships, be it with our spouse, child, parent, or sibling.  All kinds of love can bring us positive emotions.  These intimate relationships might best be viewed as the products of recurrent surges of love. 

In her book, the above describes the circumstances and patterns of thought that spark love.  The beauty of love, or other emotions, is that they are highly individualized, depending on your inner interpretations than on your outer circumstances.  As you think about love, simply ask yourself:  When was the last time I felt this feeling?  Where was I? What was I doing? What else gives me this feeling?  Can I think of still more triggers?  What can I do now to cultivate this feeling?  Focus more on the "levers" that can turn on the feeling that flows through you than on the label "love" itself.

Think of a time when you felt love surge within you.

I am doing the same right now at this very moment, with my own unique lever.

Making small changes in the ways we appreciate and frame the events of our day can turn positivity on.  And each type of positivity, including and especially love, holds the ability to broaden and build our lives.

Here is Barbara Fredrickson describing the different forms of positive emotions:

Keeping track of our positivity ratio (positive emotions to negative emotions, goal being 3:1) is making a lifestyle change, similar to keeping track of our diet or finances.  The benefit is that it allows us to become more mindful of how different events and activities in our day trigger emotions in us, both positive and negative.  But the rewards are there and it's well worth the effort.  Knowing what our emotions are like today will help us meet our goals of flourishing and being happy long term.  Positive emotions today will impact our lives down the road. 


Cheers and
Be well,

Linda

Give Yourself A Break

"I see a man taking a break in his highly structured life, reading a newspaper in the park, or a young woman sitting on a curb eating a sandwich, reading a book and taking a moment for herself.  I celebrate these moments in bronze."...J. Steward Johnson Jr.

While my mom is cooped up with little to do and in discomfort from her recently fractured shoulder, she is entertaining herself with the television during her recovery.  Early this morning, I could her the tv theme from "Cheers" in the background.  It made me smile.  It took me way back to my years well before the "sandwich generation" arrived.  I only had "me" to care for, I could manage my career, and manage my life without distraction.  Dare I say, "those were the good old days".  No, I don't believe that.  But I will readily admit that it was far easier then to take care of myself and give myself a break whenever I wanted one.  Back then, I took all that free time for granted.  Now I understand the importance of free time as a precious commodity.  Now, each day I find creative ways to get to that free time and savour it when I do. 



That tune always makes me feel good.  Getting together with friends who really know you well is always wonderful.  Cherish those times.  I'm seeing a good friend for a movie on Sunday and the timing couldn't be more perfect.  I like just being me, and that's something easy to be with a friend.  That doesn't mean I dislike being mom and daughter.  I love those too, more than anything.  But, taking a break for yourself is fun, joyful and good for your health.  So, take breaks often.  Don't wait until you're at a breaking point, where your break is to escape your problems.  That's like skipping meals and eating when you're starving.  It's bad for your health, and may cause indigestion in others around you as well.  You don't want to reach a crisis level to realize that "I never take a break". 

Depending on your circumstances, getting out with just your spouse or friends, though pleasurable, may not be possible as often as we'd like or need.  It's never a good idea to only plan for that "perfect" break, rather, take breaks for yourself in simple ways every day.  Just knowing you have one small routine that makes you happy each day can boost your mood.  Enjoy a good book while you eat your lunch.  Or go for a brisk walk while listening to your favourite music.  You know the simple things that bring you joy, so make them available to yourself each day.  When you do settle back, be sure not to negate the positive effects of the break by feeling guilty and anxiously spend your time updating your mental to-do list.  You would be surprised what just taking an hour a day for yourself will do for your happiness and well being.  Your improvements in overall well-being will improve the lives of those you regularly interact as well.

Lastly, make sure you take the time each day to remember at least one thing that made you happy.  At Christmas, my favourite gift was my five year, one-sentence happiness journal, by Gretchen Rubin.  I love it!  It's amazing how pleasurable it is to remember something good about your day and to record that thought in a beautiful book as a keepsake.  That calculates to over fifteen hundred happy memories to keep and share, for under $20.00.  Good things do not have to come with expensive price tags!

I would recommend this book to all my readers, in fact buy two - one for yourself and one as a gift for someone you love.  Someone you are grateful to have in your life!

Enjoy your day and remember it well!

Cheers!
Linda