"Another person's choice is nothing more than another alternative for you to consider."... Dr. Shad Helmstetter
Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't care what other people think? Of course not! We spend a great deal of our time discussing our conflicts, analysing our choices, and reporting our decisions with family, friends, colleagues and even casual acquaintances, and I don't think the reason is only because we enjoy talking about ourselves. We do it for a little positive encouragement, feedback, and to gain other perspectives. This helps us self evaluate and arrive at more informed decisions. In the end, however, we only hope that others will respect that our choices are ultimately our own to make, and when we do they will be supportive, even if they disagree with them.
Aside from immediate family (who may be directly affected), no one else should be so concerned about the choices we make for ourselves. We are the ones living with the consequences, nobody else, so why is there still an abundance of opinion, unsolicited advice, and negative judgement following us around? Are we sending out the wrong vibes to people, do we encourage this to happen, even though we hate it?
I think one reason is that the big decisions women face often involve the career and family balance, and that topic is still very polarizing even in this day and age. I think some women still feel that our individual choices have repercussions to "all women" in some way, both now and in the future, and those few women want us to follow what they perceive to be the "better side" in the debate. I personally dislike that, because I don't think there is a 'better side". To me it's not a black nor white issue, but rather a shade of grey.
I don't think I could articulate my sentiment in this particular topic better than the character Joan in the movie "Mona Lisa Smile".
"Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer? ...not as much as I'd regret not having a family or being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing, and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you...you stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you, a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a centre hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want."
I love Joan's speech here because for one, she stood up and pointed out her teacher's obvious prejudice point of view, and two, she communicated her own desires with honesty rather than feeling compelled to justify them or proclaim her choices as the best ones for all women. She also tried to find a common ground for which we can all agree, we now have choices to do anything we so desire, and for that we are grateful.
When we are in that "shade of grey", we see and feel both the pros and cons of managing family and career and any choices will always hold some residual feelings of doubt, guilt or regret. Our own personal feelings can affect our communications with others, in how we both give and receive advice or opinions, including the well-intentioned ones. I think the majority of women feel ambivalent in this area one way or the other. Perhaps we should just try to be more supportive and empathetic rather than continually speaking out based on our own personal perspectives. We do what's best for us, given our desires and individual circumstances. I think we all need to just help each other feel at peace with that.
If you do come across difficult characters who seem to not be able to mind their own business and are being harshly judgemental, I found a great quote: "some people choose to live by complaining and criticizing. Other people choose to live".
Cheers!
Linda
16 comments:
Bravo! I like how you encourage support over debate
This was very good, but don't forget that women shouldn't bear all the responsibility..the husband's support makes a difference too.
Thank you for your comments!
I agree, couples should try to support each other in their personal goals as best possible while at the same time meeting the needs of the whole family.
Linda
I love your message of supporting one another's decision. I had to put my career on hold for several years while attending to the needs of my children and found out the women at work were the least supportive ones!
I wish people were being honest with their reasons for choosing being SAHM or career mom. If moms choose to stay home that is fine as long as they say it's what they want rather than meeting their children's needs. Sorry I don't mean it for children with special needs, I mean the other moms who may do this. Meeting a child's needs can also involve selecting a good child care program while mom earns a paycheck and keeps up her skills and seniority. I think we should respect each other's choices but not say one way is better for children.
K
It really isn't anyone in the workplace's business to opine one way or another, whether we resign or return after maternity leave. It is not as if our choices are affecting their lives, we live with the consequences of our decisions.
I agree we should be sensitive to others who make different choices for their family. If ever asked about my personal choices, I describe them as being best for "our whole family", or "it's our family's decision" because that is the truth, and I also agree that for many families keeping that steady income into the household is a factor in meeting the needs of the whole family. I have returned to work twice for that very reason alone though it was difficult, that was what we needed at that time.
It is ironic that an anonymous person reads something (one way being better) into a comment about supporting each other’s decision and shoots out an incredibly insulting and hurtful conclusion! This is where our society has come to, when a MOTHER stays home to attend to her children's needs, it is perceived as "she must have a different reason". This clearly demonstrates a person not respecting someone else’s decision because most likely it is different from theirs. I think your comment reflects your inner unrest with your decision and has nothing to do with mine. Everyone lives with the consequences of their decisions. The consequences to my decision have been very difficult, but we have to live with it and nobody else. You should do the same instead of attacking someone who has made a different choice. Do not imply that I am not being honest about my reasons; I can easily turn the table and imply the same to those who make a different decision “women are not being honest about their decision to get back to their career”. Except that people's choices for child care differ and that does not imply one is better than the other, it is about what is the best for your family as whole entity. That's that.
Hello Diane,
My comment was not about you.
In a department of over 75 females, I wish people here were being honest about their reasons for choosing being a SAHM or a career mom, because it causes upset throughout the dept when the discussion goes from a personal choice to which one is "meeting the child's needs better". Working single moms often feel guilty because they have no choice, they need the pay to put food on the table, clothing, transportation and rent. In this fragile economy, pretty much all working women are feeling the pressure to keep their job because it may not be easy to re-enter the workforce later. But again, the guilt and sad feelings of leaving their child can be huge. These women need to feel supported in their decision too. The last thing they want to hear from the pregnant or brand new moms who are not planning to return to work, is "I'm staying home to meet my child's needs". Harsh statement imo because it usually means emotional needs. I think it would be better for those women to speak from a personal satisfaction perspective "i really love staying home", "i want to be the one caring for my children while they are young". I don't think it's being honest to say that it's meeting the child's needs better.
On the other side, the working moms who have choice to stay home should not say that the extra income is meeting their child's needs better, and that's why they work. That's not an honest statement either and is insensitive to the SAHM who is making a financial sacrifice in her choice.
K
Hi K,
Thank you for clarifying your statement. I have never made any comments to any of my colleagues or friends who made a different choice than mine that “it’s better for mom to stay at home”. I generally stay out of people’s business and focus on my own life and choices. I’d like to present here a different perspective on this issue. I invested many years in obtaining higher education. When my son was born, I learned that I wanted to be the one to take care of him (many reasons, none had to do with my own desires to stay at home) only for the first few years of his life. None of my other friends/colleagues made the same decision and I found that I became the minority, part of a group which they did not relate to at all. I was pressured to return, misunderstood and made feel real bad about my decision. I am certain I’m not the only “career mom” who has made this decision. I think my message is to keep that group in mind as well because we need support as well. I have found society to be generally unkind and unsympathetic to this group of moms. I feel that it is unfair to me NOT to be able to say that I stayed at home to take care of my children’s needs because that statement makes someone else feel guilty. If a woman feels content with her decision than that statement is neutral. You are correct that a child’s needs can be met by a childcare provider or a nanny, but a child’s needs can also be met by a parent. In some ways my children have gained and in other ways they would have been happier if I had gone back to work. However, I will certainly keep in mind next time when I speak to a mom who has gone back to work that she may have feelings of guilt and will rephrase my statement regarding this issue, perhaps “I wanted to be the one to take care of my children’s needs”.
Hi Diane,
Just to clarify your comment, do you mean you feel society is unkind to a certain "class" of women, the elite class?, including professional women who put their careers on hold to raise their children?
K
Hi and that you all for a great discussion,
I enjoyed reading different perspectives....
The message in my blog was not about separating groups of women but about being supportive "and empathetic" to "women in general" during their vulnerable period in life when they are making difficult choices that are their own to make and live with the consequences.
All women are making some sacrifices during this time, and it's a challenging period for all. I have been both a SAHM and a Career Mom and I know the difficulties and sacrifices from both sides. I know how vulnerable both sides feel and life would be made easier during this time if conversations offerred support, encouragement and gentle understanding.
Hi K and Linda,
I am referring to my own experiences. I feel that the group of moms, "professional/career moms" becoming temporary stay at home moms appear to be "missing a voice". My aim is to include this group's perspective as well.
I agree that what all women need is just some positive feedback and understanding. I wouldn't want my friends to turn on me just because I'm putting my career on hold, or going back to work, either way. I'm glad those years are behind me and going forward - Linda has the best message that applies to all women, be kind, gentle and understanding to these women in the future. We made it through and we all know what made it easier for us and what made it more difficult. Let's use that knowledge to help future new moms we may cross paths with.
Margaret
As was said in the post, our personal feelings affect our interactions with people, what we say and how we react. If we show more understanding to the person, the better. I know at least the moms who return to their profession (employment), the majority do not want to feel like they are uncaring or unloving or selfish in their reasons. As colleagues or co-employees, let's help them out. For the moms who choose to not return, those people mostly are supported by their friends and family in their decision. In the workplace, my experiences and what I heard is that usually a party is given (baby shower) and we wish the family well. At that point, often the workplace does not know the final decision (returning or not), so often times we never see the mother again. I think there is no dispute that the mother's care is always the best for the baby, and if that is what is decided to do, of course that decision should be supported. The unfortunate reality is the good majority of women either cannot afford that, or they are too worried about losing what they built up in their career, so they try to make it work as best as they can.
When a woman has decided to stay home and raise her child or children, even in short term, it important that she be firm in that decision with her employer.
With friends and family, I used to hate hearing "when are you going back to work?", "don't you miss your career?", "you can't stay home forever..", and others. As has been said, there is always some guilt and regret lingering on the inside, so we should always be sensitive to each others feelings during this period of life. The main thing is that we are mostly happy with our choice. I would never have stayed home if I was unhappy. We can always choose to change our mind anytime as well. I have recently resumed my career and it's been quite difficult however we're managing. I'm definitely planning to offer more positive support to all women in the future to this as you say vulnerable time.
Deb
I would agree that we all have some degree of inner unrest, guilt, regret etc. and that is the reason we are bugged by what people say, and say the things we say. It's good advice to be sensitive to each others feelings. I would also agree that the happier and satisfied we are with our decision this unrest is less problematic. Going forward, I totally agree with not creating debate over what's better or not for children, but stick to our own household wishes. If a friend appears down on her decision, refrain from giving your opinion unless she asks for it. I know from my own personal experiences, I did not like being labelled selfish for returning to my career. This decision was difficult and we were factoring in the long term benefit. The short term was tough but our family made it through. Many families I know the mother stays home for an extended period and they are fine as well. It's a personal choice.
Post a Comment