"Leadership is about empathy. It is about having the ability to relate to and connect with people for the purpose of inspiring and empowering their lives."...Oprah Winfrey
In recent posts from last month (Choices, Getting Along), the concept of empathy was introduced as one tool to help us relate, understand and communicate better with those around us, those we live with, work with, and share our lives with. I feel empathy is the foundation for building meaningful connections with people and creating supportive relationships.
Since we all have different life experiences, how is it possible to "feel" what it's like to take a walk in someone else's shoes? Occasionally it's possible to relate to someone's specific problem or conflict, if we have "been there", but never completely. Empathy can be tricky. People who demonstrate a lot of empathy are very good at tapping into their own experiences in order to relate to what someone else is experiencing, but use it only as a starting point and not as the end itself. If you are empathetic, you use your own experience as a guide, but always "check out" whether your interpretation of another person's feelings or thoughts is accurate. You maintain the thought that another person might feel differently or think differently than you do in any given situation.
One skill we can all learn to become more empathetic, is through reflective listening, listening while trying to hear from the point of view of the person speaking. When you use reflective listening, you let the other person know that you understand them, without actually saying "I understand". By verbally rephrasing what has been said to you (in your own words), you are instantly communicating with that person that you care to understand and accept their perspective, that their thoughts and feelings are important, that they are important. It also helps the person clarify their own thoughts and feelings.
Learning how to have an empathetic ear takes practice. Here is an exercise you can try out at home with a partner: 1/ Find a topic you have differing opinions (this is when it's most hardest to listen, as often times it becomes more about being right, winning or influencing, rather than understanding) 2/ Begin the conversation with one person sharing their perspective on the issue, and then the partner will take as much time to offer their interpretation. 3/ Repeat the perspective and then the interpretation until it's fully understood. 4/ Switch roles in the conversation.
I have found this exercise to be difficult at times because it involves removing our own opinions, experiences and problems from our mind to completely focus on the other person. That's easier said than done! But with practice, it is possible to learn and in my opinion, this skill can truly improve your relationships with others and your understanding of yourself.
It was difficult to find an entertaining video to go along with empathy, but I think the television personality many people seeked out for an understanding ear was Mary Richards, now she definitely was someone who got lots of practice listening to a variety of opinions, emotions and problems!
When I was a young girl, I wanted to grow up and become a person just like Mary Richards. I used to get teary eyed when I would hear this opening song because it reflected what a great person she was. The lyrics go "who can turn the world on with her smile? who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well it's you girl, and you should know it. With each glance and every little movement you show it.." What a nice thing to say to somebody!!
Cheers!
Linda
13 comments:
Well done. Today's society is so much in a hurry that we don't spend nearly as much time as necessary to listen.
Margaret
I loved what you wrote. I often find people struggle to listen, but sure love to talk.
I loved the Mary Tyler Moore show too!
D
Thank you, I'm going to try this out. I know I have a difficult time expressing myself and it's made worse when it looks like others do not care what I have to say anyway. If others, friends, showed me more attentive listening, I think I would feel more at ease, like we are in it "together".....V
I can't get a word in edgewise with some of my friends. I will try this out with them, but how do I get them to pay me the same courtesy back?
K
Hi - thank you all for your comments!
I plan to continue this topic on my next post, so stay tuned..
Linda
i complain about how my friends do not listen well to me but i'm rethinking how i listen to them. i also was a huge fan of the MTM show and Rhoda too.
S
in the sandwichgen it's hard to find time to just sit down and have a serious talk, we need it though..i like how you wrote that it's not enough to just have "been there, done that" to show you relate, people are different and are worth the confirmation that we understand their situation is affecting them "in the now".
Jes
Hi Jes,
I agree, relating our own experiences is a good start in showing empathy, when done correctly as with the intention to help understand and show you care, but if it's as you say simply "been there, done that", that type of comment is more about dismissing the other person and does not encourage empathy of any kind (imo). You have to watch if the other person simply wants to change the subject and cut you off. I loved Rhoda too!
I really enjoyed reading this post...well written. I will try your suggestions as well. I find that when people are passed difficult times and in a "happy stage", they really don't want to listen to you talk about your difficult times, or they look for a way to criticize…I think a little empathy would go a long way. I will be cognizant of it myself in the future. Thanks for bringing this up this topic and for your well expressed thoughts.
My experiences are that the happier, or rather more content people are more willing to listen, help, understand than people who seem to have more problems. It feels like sometimes it's a competition whose problem is worse and worthy of time spent discussing it. I also agree that just because the experience is the same, does not make it "exactly" the same, we are affected differently. I was laid off recently and it affected me in huge ways and some friends, just said "oh yeah, that happened to me last year, and it was fine", as if my problem means nothing.
Sandra
Hi - I've read that strong and secure are traits associated being empathic, so I guess those could go with being both happy and unhappy.
Linda
I also find it difficult to find someone to understand my struggles from my perspective and not their perspective...wish my friends were using this empathy listening. Linda, this may be a dumb question, but is there an easy way to get to your older posts, as you mentioned two others that I have not read..thanks!!
Patricia
Hi - when you are on my home page, the page with my most recent post, look to the left side bar under my profile and you will find my "blog archive". All my blogs are saved there by the month they were written.
I believe the ones you are looking for can be found in the July archive..just click the arrow and you will find them all.
Linda
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