It's All About Empathy - Part Two

"People who receive empathy from others report feeling validated, supported and connected.  Having someone else understand the nature of their trouble reduces their pain or suffering or increases their pleasure.  A person receiving empathy feels enriched, loved and understood."...author unknown

EMPATHY IS... Mirroring, following what the other person is saying (words, body language, voice tone) as closely as possible, stating to the person your closest approximation of what you hear her saying including nuances and thoughts that are only beginning to form, in addition to listening and offering reflections, empathy is staying with the person through a completion of what he or she wants to say, and empathy is judging the success of your responses by the degree of direct feedback that you receive from the other that she does indeed feel understood.

EMPATHY IS NOT...talking about yourself because you think what you say is "like" what the other person is saying, guessing about the person's hidden thoughts and motives and telling them what they really mean, insisting you "understand" when the speaker doesn't think you do, being sympathetic or sentimental--for these are emotions that are yours and not in the story being told by the individual.

I wanted to write this second part on the topic of empathy for two reasons.  First, from reading your comments and comparing them to how I felt while writing my last post, it appears many of us crave empathy from those around us, but find it's often lacking in our relationships, and second, I wanted to examine some possibilities as to why empathy does not always occur the way we'd like it to and consider what we may be able to do to change that.

Before we can begin to understand the reasons we may not be receiving enough empathy from the people in our lives, we must first know how to give empathy to others, for I don't believe it's as simple as it appears.  I think most of us feel we are doing a better job at being supportive than we really are.  One reason may be that we are mistaking empathy with sympathy and though related, they are quite different, and sympathy may often be the farthest thing someone would want.  Receiving a friend's pity risks bringing down the relationship to a superior/inferior level and empathy is about relating to each other "as equals".  I fear it would lead to a communication breakdown if one is left to feel smaller than the other.  True empathy gives the friend strength, it should never weaken her.

Have you ever had someone show you true empathy when you really needed it?  Do you remember how it happened and how it made you feel?  A long time ago, shortly after my son was diagnosed with autism and feeling beyond worried, I visited a very close friend of mine.  This friend does not have children with special needs, so one may believe that she would have trouble relating to me on this issue.  But I remember us going outside, getting away from all the distractions, and having a good uninterrupted talk.  To this day, I still remember how well she listened and responded to me, and it wasn't with sympathy, she was using reflective listening, as I described in part one.  Throughout the conversation, I could feel the back and forth connection of mutual understanding.  She helped me pinpoint my greatest fears by her reflection "I sense from what you are saying that you are mostly anxious about how well you will be able to help him and care for him...." and she had it exactly correct.  She was later able to offer just the right amount of encouragement as she said "you'll find all the answers because you have a brain and you know how to use it!"  That simple statement completely reversed my insecurities and left me feeling uplifted and inspired because it was said after she affirmed she cared, after she suggested we talk in a less distracting environment, after she listened attentively, after she offered her interpretation of my problem, after I confirmed she understood, after empathy was fully realized.  If she had made the exact same statement without all of that, I most likely would have left feeling offended, hurt and rejected.  From that, I would conclude that empathy is a whole process, not just an end result and timing is everything.

When you have a close friend, and you feel in need of support, the time and setting will make a big difference in the conversation outcome.  Look for an environment free from distractions.  Calling your friend from your cell phone car on the way home from work is definitely not the time for a deep conversation!  However, you can any time call your friend and instead of unloading your troubles at that moment, call to make plans to talk or get together later on.  You could say "I have a lot on my mind and I really would like to talk to you...is there a good time for you later today?"  And of course, do the same for your friend in need if she calls you at a time when you cannot adequately attend or your time is limited.  I think setting the tone this way distinguishes the conversation from simply needing a few minutes to "vent", or calling for specific help or advice, neither of which are about empathy.  It's important to send out that correct message from the start so there is no misunderstanding of what's needed.

I've learned a lot about myself and friendship from reading articles about empathy over the past week.  We all can benefit from strengthening old friendships or deepening existing ones.  When you have at least one close friendship with someone in whom you can confide (not just a pal with whom you only talk shared interests), it makes it far more likely that you take joy in life and are happy.  And that's definitely worth the effort!

  

It's All About Empathy featured a video of my childhood girlfriend crush "Mary Richards", played by Mary Tyler Moore, so today it's only fitting that I feature her best friend "Rhoda Morgenstern", played by Valerie Harper.  After a few years with Mary on the MTM show, she went on to have a show of her own, simply called "Rhoda", and it was equally terrific:

Love the part when she's running through New York City in her wedding gown!

Cheers!

Linda

click here to read Part One - It's All About Empathy