"Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgement, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself."...Richard Carlson, author of "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff".
My daughter has reached the age (eleven) where she's realized that her mom's not perfect. I'm perfectly okay with that. What I'm not okay with is her recent fault finding with me, mostly because I would not want her to begin fault finding with herself. So now each time I hear a complaint my response to her is "tomorrow I'll be perfect." She's heard it a few times now and is starting to get the message that perfectionism is a response to unrealistic judgements we've placed on ourselves, or that others have placed on us.
Today we even joked about it when she said "It's only 7:30 a.m. - you're giving up so soon?" and I replied "Wow, I did pretty good, I had a perfect night's sleep!"
My daughter knows that it's important to set goals, aim higher and do her best. She's beginning to identify her own areas of strengths and accepts that her strengths may be different than others. She is becoming a very confident young lady. It would not shatter her to have some failures, times when things don't go as well as she planned, from time to time. She's learning to make adjustments and move on.
I don't know exactly what happens to us as we get older, why we feel characterizing ourselves as perfectionists is a good thing. I think it's okay to have high standards, but not at the sacrifice of our happiness and self-gratification. For some people, perfectionism is about having "all or nothing", because less than perfect feels like nothing to them. Are we striving toward our own "perceptions" of perfection for our own satisfaction, desires and passion, or are we striving hard to meet the standards or recognition of others, to impress them or have their approval, or to just simply make them proud of us? If the reasons are the latter, we're living life by someone else's ideals, not our own and thus, we're driving on the opposite road to happiness and self-fulfillment. It would be time to change course and enjoy our own journey as well as the destination.
My daughter's school introduced me to the SMART model for goal setting, an acronym for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time Based. I like the "realistic" part because it does not mean it's too challenging or not challenging enough. A goal that is too easy is not motivating nor is a goal that is so difficult that it seems impossible. It should be difficult enough that will stretch the goal-setter, but still be achievable in the time frame. I think we should always be able to visualize achieving the goal for it to remain realistic.
I'm not surprised to read that perfectionists set very high goals that may be unrealistic. I'm glad that my daughter is learning from a young age to be realistic while still building her confidence and challenging herself to go higher and reach her highest potential. It's so important for teachers and of course parents to encourage their children by helping them identify what they do well, what excites them and what their strengths are.
It's important to know these things in ourselves too, for it's never too late to change course and set new goals based on new dreams, needs and passions.
"Tomorrow, I'll be Perfect", is the title of Toronto's all-star pitcher Dave Stieb's autobiography written in 1985. It's a reference to his unyielding desire to pitch a "perfect" game, the one thing that alluded his career, inspite of leading the league in every other statistic. Five years after his book was published, he finally pitched a "no-hitter" and twenty years later, in 2010 at Rogers Stadium, (now I really feel old because I was a huge fan of his in high school!!) was honoured for his career achievements in a special ceremony. He never did pitch a "perfect" game, but I'm really happy to say that Dave Stieb eventually didn't care about perfection. He had a great career, did himself, his team, our country and this fan proud, and had plenty of reasons to celebrate.
Here is the video of the Jays honouring Dave Stieb's career, Enjoy:
Tomorrow, I'll be Perfect will be another of my twelve commandments in My Happiness Project.
Cheers!
Linda
4 comments:
I've read that the common view is that perfectionists are high achievers, but are in fact low achievers. Could this be true? I like your comments about aiming higher but setting realistic goals.
Josie
Interesting post. It's good to know that children are learning about goal setting from a young age because it's something they'll use all through life.
I think a true perfectionist is that way not only in their career/occupation, but in everything they do. I have heard they can be difficult to live with, just my opinion.
K
I was a perfectionist (by my own perceptions of what that means, example attaining or exceeding annual goals) in my career as a Sr. Accountant, but I loved it and felt I owed my very best to my employer as they paid my salary. I think I put my energy into that, but I was not a perfectionist in any other area that I can think of.
I think the perfectionists that may set unrealistic goals may become unhappy or disatissfied with their achievements and still others may want their "whole lives" perfect which is impossible, imo.
I believe many perfectionists are high achievers, yet they do not feel like they are.
Linda
I love how you are encouraging your daughter to set goals, aim higher and do her best. That's good advice for all of us!
Margaret
Post a Comment